I'm not sure.
14th, 15th, I'm not sure it really matters either, but I do find that I'm reflective today. I know part of it is the un-anniversary that is tomorrow...part of it is that it's the 14th...part of it is that there are holidays and as I said a few weeks ago that started with my birthday in November...
Either way, one of the things I do to gain a little perspective on where I am, how far I've come and just what the hell I'm doing (because let me tell you there are some days I have no idea) is read my blog...I'll pick a date--last December, November 2010, whatever. Today I wanted to see what I wrote about in the "right after."
That aftermath when I was being rather astute and together and hell if I didn't just grab the bull by the horns and take off...
In my reflective moods, let me tell you some things that I know about myself and how I've grown in the past 5 months:
- I no longer expect or want perfection in my life. This is not just out of me but out of those around me. I will be what I am and people are what they are. I can't tell you how much the important relationships in my life have grown as a result of this thought process...and in being able to embrace my own imperfections I'm able to see all the beauty that is within me (and wasn't that what I said my journey was all about...to find the beauty, and that HAS to begin with me or I won't be able to create it). I can see how expecting perfection sabotaged what may have been a wonderful relationship. I can also see how trying to live up to someone else's expectations that I BE perfect sabotaged my own personal growth and development and made me bitter.
- I am patient. Losing that need for perfection in myself and others results in an amazing amount of patience. Little things don't bother me, big things don't bother me. I just deal with what I can deal with, do it to the best of my ability and move on.
- I have learned to let myself feel emotions. Good and bad. When the bad emotions come on I find myself trying to fight them and then I remind myself that I have to feel them, to express them and to let them out. Once I do that, I feel better. I have more perspective and I'm able to ask "what" or "why" about that feeling and start to make sense of it in the bigger picture. I'm still not really (as in not at all) comfortable with anger, but I'm trying to understand it's role as a motivating emotion...understanding I think I can do, expressing it is entirely a different thing (because let me tell you the WAY in which I want to express that anger isn't appropriate).
- I don't really need the "big picture" anymore. I was talking to someone who was asking about my plans for the holidays and I replied, "all I can think about right now is getting through today"...I have long-range plans, I'll tell you about those in a minute, but the "big picture" is fuzzy...right now it's mountains and sunrises and sunsets and glorious skies whether they're cloudy or blue.
- "in the moment" of the 14th (or 15th) I decided to do what I wanted to. Period. And I'm doing it. My "dream" was to get a job at Jimmy Beans Wool. I've been here just over 3 months and I'm loving it. I see myself fitting in, I love the people here. I want to do more in the company and the opportunities are there. It's going to be glorious.
- I am learning this business of taking care of myself and it's really quite wonderful. I'm not just talking about feeding myself, cleaning house, etc., but the other stuff too...realizing when I need some down time, leaning into the pain, embracing the joys. Understanding that each moment can be powerful if you give it the chance.
- Exploring my higher power and what he/she/it means to me. I should say that I'm not longer afraid to explore my higher power (I was and I'm learning that there are reasons I was).
And each day with each thing that I learn, I'm growing stronger. People comment about how amazed they are by my strength and ability to get through and do things. I marvel when they say this because there are so many times when I feel like I'm falling to pieces and it makes me worried that I'm putting up a brave front when I'm really not doing so well...
...but I'm doing ok. I'm not great and there are some days that I just have to get up and deal with it, but I'm dealing with it rather than hiding it or trying to control it into some little box or define it the way I want it to be regardless of what it is.
...and I'm satisfied with where I am. I have asked myself that a lot in the past few weeks. If the tables suddenly turned and I could "go back to July 14th (or 15th) 2014" I wouldn't. There's some power in owning that. There's power in realizing that I can own that and still be incredibly hurt and angry. There's power in putting the pieces of my life back together into a mosaic that will be a beautiful me.
...and I'm really so very happy that I get to share it with you.
So, my awesome news:
I'm going on a Rick Steve's Tour to Tallin, Helsinki and St. Petersburg in May. I am SO VERY excited about this trip.