Thursday, July 23, 2015

I can't seem to keep up these days!

I'm about to head out on my next big adventure.  Cross country drive to Texas to see my family as well as to pick up some things that I left at Mom's last summer.  I'm driving out with the girls and back with a childhood friend.  So different than my experience last year which was just me.

Me and only me.

My life has gotten to be one big friendly adventure lately.  Friends at work.  Friends to hang out with.  A "getting out there" friend who keeps me busy most nights and weekends.  Friends to text.  Friends to talk to on the phone.

I feel bad for neglecting my virtual friends.  I love you guys...you've been with me through thick and thin this year and rooted me on and held me up and all the other stuff that I've needed this year.

Thank you.

The things I want to tell you  but just haven't had time:
1.  St. Petersburg was truly an amazing city.  In so many ways.  It was beautiful, the people were friendly and so warm, the weather was gorgeous, the history was shocking and educational...and so so much more.  The blog post I want to write next about SP was how colorful it was.  One day I'll get it out.
2.  I thought I was happy before I started dating.  And truthfully I was happy.  But I'm so much more happy...I didn't think it was possible.  Life is indeed good.
3.  The ups and downs of recovery have been real...and sometimes real hard.  This week I had a therapy session that was "intense."  Things were said and admitted that needed to be said and admitted, but it left me washed up.  Drained.  And off kilter.  Yesterday was a rough day, but I had a good cry and I felt better and today was an awesome day.
4.  I've been at JBW for almost a year now and I still love my job and the people that I work with and the customers and all the other things that go along with working in a large on-line retail yarn store.  I love being the inventory goddess...and I love being in a job where I can laugh and tease and thoroughly enjoy myself every day.  it's truly a gift and a blessing.  I know this because I have lived the opposite of that and to love your work is something spectacular.
5.  I'm not knitting or crocheting like I want to be...something's going to have to give, but choosing what to give is so very very hard :)

And finally the thing that I'm going to tell you about my next adventure.  On Sunday the girls and I are driving to Las Vegas and then the next day we're going to the Grand Canyon and then the next day we're going to Sedona and then the next day we're driving to Amarillo and the next day we're going to go see the Palo Duro Canyon and drive to my mother's.  We're going to stay there a couple of days and hopefully spend some time with my brothers and my mother.  I want to go through the things I left with her and load up my car to bring the things home...mail out what can be mailed.  Send stuff to the girls.

Then a childhood friend is meeting me and we are driving to Amarillo, Flagstaff and Reno.  We'll spend the day in Reno/Tahoe and then she goes home and my real life (which is amazing) starts back up again.

Oh, and one other thing I haven't been able to tell you because I've been so busy getting out there:  I've organized the studio.  I'm ready to weave again.  I have projects lined up (and Kathy since you like bags, keep your eyes peeled!).  That's what's happening when my real life resumes in 2 weeks.

For now I'll leave you with a picture of Pearl "hiding" in the paper at the back of the loom.


Monday, July 20, 2015

The language of letting go

The book of daily meditations I've been reading for the past year is called The Language of Letting Go. It's a codependent's guide to learning to live life, love, accept the uncontrollable and become happy.  Every morning (or most mornings since I'm only in "November" and did start reading it 1 year ago) I read the daily thought and try to think about how it applies to my life and what I can do to focus on that one thing that day.

It's been so amazingly helpful in so many ways:
1.  I know that I can really only focus on improving myself one little bit at a time
2.  I know that it's ok to only focus on improving myself one little bit at a time
3.  Some things take lots of practice and lots of reminders and lots of "getting back to it"...
4.  Being able to see the beauty in the world takes a complete willingness to let go of control...of the NEED to control...and just let me tell you that that is incredibly frightening
5.  Facing my past is necessary for healing and forgiveness...but I don't have to face all days at once.
6.  I'm going to have some days that are better than others...some setbacks if you will
7.  Did I mention that letting go of the need to control, because it's central to getting all the rest of this done.

And as I begin to explore the possibility of a new relationship (yes, it's to that...apparently I just "got out there") I can see how much FUN it is to just BE in the relationship.  I'm laughing and smiling and being silly...and it's amazing.  I've never had this kind of fun before.  It was always so serious, so goal driven, so "purposeful."

I'm still incredibly skittish.  I still have moments when breathing is really difficult.  I have lots of moments when I'm questioning whether what I'm experiencing is really real or just something I want it to be because I want it to be.

Letting go of control.  Letting go of the past.  Letting go of so many things...hatred, fear, barricades.   It is the kind of empowerment that control can never have...control is based on fear and the "lack of" is always out there and threatening.  The letting go creates the opportunity for beauty and love to flourish.

(that platform that I jumped off of last year got just another little higher and a bunch more frightening, but I'm taking a deep breath and seeing just how much stronger my wings are...because let me tell you that the view from up here is definitely breathtaking!)

This is me last year...just a couple of days after David left.  I was on my way to go see the girls and had just gotten my hair done.  Somehow I still managed to smile for my selfie.  You can't see my red eyes behind those cool glasses, but when I look at this picture I see such a lost girl.  One who has no idea what she's about to do but who's ready to do it.  One who somehow, despite all the pain and fear, trusted herself and her higher power to get the work done to make what seemed impossible happen.

And here I am today.  Right this minute as I type this entry, not touched up or filtered.  The me today...she's gorgeous, confident and proud.  She's also scared, skittish and yet still ready to see what other beautiful and amazing things she can experience.

Letting go did not mean losing anything.  I let go and everything that was special and important in my life flourished, most importantly myself.   And the things that I was holding onto that were holding me down.  I don't miss them.  Not one teeny weeny bit.

Monday, July 13, 2015

Amazing

Amazing is light, brightness, bigness, all things beautiful.  Amazing is good, wonderful, loving.  Amazing is powerful.  Amazing is going beyond the normal.  Amazing is being more than what you (or others) thought possible.  Amazing is more than A+.

I couldn't even begin to tell you the number of times people have used that word to describe me in the past year.  Amazing.

The simple fact that someone would use that word to describe me is, in itself, pretty amazing.  It makes me feel...well...amazing.  Strong, capable, unique...and as if I've done something amazing.

It's a wonderful feeling.  Something that makes me very very happy.

Friends have said it, family members have said it...my virtual friends have said it (thanks y'all!)

To hear it from the lips of my "getting out there friend"...well "amazing" doesn't even begin to describe how it made me feel.

Friday, July 3, 2015

I think I've mentioned this before...

...when I play, I play hard.  

I throw myself into the play and have a grand old time.  I laugh and giggle and tell silly jokes.  I crack myself up and laugh some more (because really I GET my sense of humor like no one else).

I abandon myself to the moment.  It's pure joy to play.

Which is why I like to play, and try to play, as much as I possibly can.

Games are fun, talking with people is fun, cracking jokes, being sarcastic...doing things with yarn...it's all fun.  Play.  Joyful abandon.

And I've been playing hard.  

And I'm really unbelievably tired.  

And yet, I have a gorgeous shawl on the needles that I've neglected for "getting out there" play...and tonight that's what I want to do (because my "getting out there" friend is out of town for the weekend).  Sleep...it's not play.  Sleep interferes with play.  One cannot play and sleep at the same time.

So my brain says, "it's no bother, you can sleep in a couple of days.  Today you must play."

It's really bad, this urge to play, to abandon myself to the moment.  To feel all the joy.  I want it all and I want it all right now.

Sleep will definitely come later.

Monday, June 29, 2015

My brain is so full!

Last night my getting out there friend came over for dinner and games.

We played lots of games...dominoes (5 point and chicken foot), Blockus, some card game with words that I can't remember...we talked and showed each other pictures of our travels and family.  We discussed places we should go on a Sunday.

The cats loved him.  Even Zora, who came begging for attention on multiple occasions and only slapped him once and that was provoked...he pushed his luck just a little... (I honestly don't think he "gets it" how special that is! Zora, not immediately hating on somebody...ha!)

Oh, and we watched the beautiful sunset from my balcony...it's really nice watching the sunset with another person.

-----

And my brain is so full of all of this.  In the interest of chronicling finding the beauty and recovering from a really awful situation and learning to take care of myself...I want to talk about this...this faith in the higher power...this letting go of the need to control.

When I left for my trip I said that I knew this was going to be a journey TO myself.  I would find something while I was there that I didn't know existed about myself.  I found my beauty on that trip.  I found an ability to be comfortable around people and let down my prickly defenses so that others, strangers, could affirm my beauty and interact with me as well.

When I arrived in Zurich and got to my hotel room and was so very very tired, I rested for a bit before going to walk around my neighborhood and to the overlook of the city.  I talked to my HP a bit and told him that I thought I was ready to interact with men on a deeper relationship level, but that I needed to do so safely.  That it was time for me to start looking for those nice guys that were out there...that I'd really appreciate some help in that direction.

SO...at the airport waiting area the next day the MOST BEAUTIFUL man I'd ever seen sat down across from me and I gawked at him because how could I not.  He made eye contact with me and smiled and I smiled back and thought "Ok..HP...let him sit next to me please"...and guess what.  When I got on the plane he was across the aisle from me.  Helped me with my bags, talked to me some, slept some, flirted some, helped me with my bags some more and then we got to the states and he went on the rest of his journey and I went on the rest of mine.  I didn't even get his name.

And I realized that beautiful Swiss man was put there to ease my mind about all of this.  HP has my back.  HP will provide for me what I need when I need it...just the THING that I need and nothing more.

So, as I get back out there and the first date I have is with a super nice guy who totally respects my boundaries, let me set the pace, is polite, smart, funny and plays a mean game of whatever game we're playing...(oh and he doesn't mind (too much) losing.)...well...HP...you're the bomb!

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Um, wow...

I had such a good time last night...there's more tonight.  Getting out there was terrifying, but worth it once I got over the terror of it all.

How wonderful is that.

And the heat broke a little today.  We have cloud cover and it just hasn't gotten quite so hot.  This is a good thing.

And today was the first of my weekend.  How great to not only have a day to clean the apartment but to actually feel like it (I was sick the last two weekends!)

And I'm starting a new shawl today.  With Mer-Mama by Fable Fibers.  Imagine When by Joji Locatelli is the design.  Let's all sigh together.


Thursday, June 25, 2015

Lies we tell ourselves

(I promise to return to St. Petersburg in a couple of days...but first there are other things to talk about!)

First, we tell ourselves lies all the time.  We try to convince ourselves that we're happy when we're not or that we like things that we don't.  Often we tell ourselves these lies so that we can fit in or survive or get by.

You know the lie I told myself for years?  That I loved the variety of weather that I experienced in the places I lived.  Tornadoes, hurricanes, rocking thunderstorms.  They brought excitement and variety to life.  You were a survivor and it was cool!  That if I lived someplace like California or Hawaii I'd get bored with the weather.  All that sunshine would surely make one crazy right?

SO WRONG.  Lies, I tell you!

Beautiful weather, sunshiny days, blue blue skies?  They make my soul happy.

Plus, I get to see sunsets like this on top of it?  Man, I'm in heaven!

--

Other news...I'm about to embark on a big step of recovery. I'm "getting out there" y'all.  I don't want to share too much information about this because I don't know the person well enough to know how they'd feel to know that they might be part of a blog...but I'm getting out there and meeting people and talking to boys...and I'm so excited and nervous and really unbelievably happy.