Monday, December 15, 2014

Really not much to say... was kind of low-key, and it was a good thing.  I didn't feel sad, or bereft or lost or anything.

In fact, I have to admit that I just simply didn't feel much other than it being an ordinary day and that's really just fine by me.

I will have a glass of wine tonight, but mostly it's just been a chill day, one that could have been so hard if I hadn't come so far.

And I'm glad I've come so far.


And for your kitty viewing pleasure, here's the girls snuggled on the alpaca blanket (which I'm proud to say was still not as wonderful to sleep on as I was last night).

Sunday, December 14, 2014

How far I've come in just 5 short months

I can't really decide if the bomb dropped on the 14th or the 15th.  In some ways it's the 14th because that's the day, technically, that David came home, but it was close to or after midnight before he actually stepped into the house and we had our conversation.  I "knew" in my gut before he came home what was about to transpire, so I kind of keep that as my "date"...but then I pulled everything together and tried to figure out what direction to run in on the 15th, so maybe that's "MY date."

I'm not sure.

14th, 15th, I'm not sure it really matters either, but I do find that I'm reflective today.  I know part of it is the un-anniversary that is tomorrow...part of it is that it's the 14th...part of it is that there are holidays and as I said a few weeks ago that started with my birthday in November...

Either way, one of the things I do to gain a little perspective on where I am, how far I've come and just what the hell I'm doing (because let me tell you there are some days I have no idea) is read my blog...I'll pick a date--last December, November 2010, whatever.  Today I wanted to see what I wrote about in the "right after."

That aftermath when I was being rather astute and together and hell if I didn't just grab the bull by the horns and take off...

In my reflective moods, let me tell you some things that I know about myself and how I've grown in the past 5 months:

  • I no longer expect or want perfection in my life.  This is not just out of me but out of those around me.  I will be what I am and people are what they are.  I can't tell you how much the important relationships in my life have grown as a result of this thought process...and in being able to embrace my own imperfections I'm able to see all the beauty that is within me (and wasn't that what I said my journey was all find the beauty, and that HAS to begin with me or I won't be able to create it).  I can see how expecting perfection sabotaged what may have been a wonderful relationship.  I can also see how trying to live up to someone else's expectations that I BE perfect sabotaged my own personal growth and development and made me bitter.
  • I am patient.  Losing that need for perfection in myself and others results in an amazing amount of patience.  Little things don't bother me, big things don't bother me.  I just deal with what I can deal with, do it to the best of my ability and move on.
  • I have learned to let myself feel emotions.  Good and bad.  When the bad emotions come on I find myself trying to fight them and then I remind myself that I have to feel them, to express them and to let them out.  Once I do that, I feel better.  I have more perspective and I'm able to ask "what" or "why" about that feeling and start to make sense of it in the bigger picture.  I'm still not really (as in not at all) comfortable with anger, but I'm trying to understand it's role as a motivating emotion...understanding I think I can do, expressing it is entirely a different thing (because let me tell you the WAY in which I want to express that anger isn't appropriate).
  • I don't really need the "big picture" anymore.  I was talking to someone who was asking about my plans for the holidays and I replied, "all I can think about right now is getting through today"...I have long-range plans, I'll tell you about those in a minute, but the "big picture" is fuzzy...right now it's mountains and sunrises and sunsets and glorious skies whether they're cloudy or blue.
  • "in the moment" of the 14th (or 15th) I decided to do what I wanted to.  Period.  And I'm doing it.  My "dream" was to get a job at Jimmy Beans Wool.  I've been here just over 3 months and I'm loving it.  I see myself fitting in, I love the people here.  I want to do more in the company and the opportunities are there.  It's going to be glorious.
  • I am learning this business of taking care of myself and it's really quite wonderful.  I'm not just talking about feeding myself, cleaning house, etc., but the other stuff too...realizing when I need some down time, leaning into the pain, embracing the joys.  Understanding that each moment can be powerful if you give it the chance.
  • Exploring my higher power and what he/she/it means to me.  I should say that I'm not longer afraid to explore my higher power (I was and I'm learning that there are reasons I was).
And each day with each thing that I learn, I'm growing stronger.  People comment about how amazed they are by my strength and ability to get through and do things.  I marvel when they say this because there are so many times when I feel like I'm falling to pieces and it makes me worried that I'm putting up a brave front when I'm really not doing so well...

...but I'm doing ok.  I'm not great and there are some days that I just have to get up and deal with it, but I'm dealing with it rather than hiding it or trying to control it into some little box or define it the way I want it to be regardless of what it is.

...and I'm satisfied with where I am.  I have asked myself that a lot in the past few weeks.  If the tables suddenly turned and I could "go back to July 14th (or 15th) 2014" I wouldn't.  There's some power in owning that.  There's power in realizing that I can own that and still be incredibly hurt and angry.  There's power in putting the pieces of my life back together into a mosaic that will be a beautiful me.

...and I'm really so very happy that I get to share it with you.


So, my awesome news:

I'm going on a Rick Steve's Tour to Tallin, Helsinki and St. Petersburg in May.  I am SO VERY excited about this trip.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

6th day of ornaments

Really quickly today.  My latest ornaments:

I particularly liked the little circles.  I'll be making some more of those in different sizes.

I felt really good today.  Work wasn't bad, in fact we were almost in "refresh mode."  That's the goal by tomorrow night.  That's pretty amazing considering that we were so far behind (by our standards which are high and why we're awesome!) last week.

And the fact that I feel good today is wonderful.  Today could have been difficult (his birthday), but I struggled through because (I think) I'm in a good place and (I think) am figuring out this living on my own thing.

I'll talk to you on Monday and let you know if I make it through that day.  It could be really it would have been 24 years that we'd been married...and will mark 5 months since he told me the devastating news.

But as I said, today affirmed that I'm ok so we shall see how Monday goes.

(btw, yesterday I went through a box that I hadn't unpacked yet because I wasn't sure where to put the things inside it and when I opened up one of my memento boxes which mostly has little trinkets from when I was a kid I burst into tears at seeing the very first ring he gave me...I kept reminding myself that it's one day at a time, and sometimes one minute at a time, and not all times are going to be perfect and happy...and I made it through it...therapy really is good for the soul.)

Friday, December 12, 2014

5th day of ornaments

Brought to you by Auntie J:

 For those of you who know me well, you know she "done good"...:)

The button heart is a reference to my love of buttons and hearts, and of course the knitting needles and yarn ball...need no explanation.

I've been laying low these past two days.  Getting some much needed rest (aided by a glass of wine before bedtime), couch time, Pearl snuggling and overall general laziness.  The weather has helped me be ok staying in doors.  While we haven't had the rain (thank you mountains for keeping it on the west or in snow) we have had some serious winds.

Hugs all...I'm back to my couch now...

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

4th day of ornaments

I'm bringing to you the stocking that took me three nights to make.  I love it!

The original pattern calls for worsted weight yarn and a bigger hook...I used sock weight and a C hook. The stocking is about 3" top to toe.  Fun!  I'm totally excited about doing another one with a chevron pattern...will decide whether that one is next or the one with all the snowflakes all over it...decisions!


In general things are going ok here.  Getting over the cold, though yesterday was kind of frightening with all the coughing I was doing!  I go to work today and then I'll come home and relax and hopefully be all better for my "weekend" which begins tomorrow.


And a big shout out to my Auntie J who has a birthday today!  Love you!

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Laying Low...

Well...I've got a stupid cold.  I can't remember when I last had a stupid cold, but I don't like it one little bit dangit!  My brain can't organize very well...this morning's post will exploit that :)

At least today I get to go into work a little later than 5am...(people are always surprised when they call and someone answers the phone at 6am local kinda cracks me up).

I saw this sunrise this morning.  It was gorgeous.  I caught this shot from my balcony

And when I turned around Pearl was plastered to the glass door yowling at me.  She's just so darn cute.

Shortly after this the clouds turned back to their normal grey...then I looked to the east one more time and saw that they were turning hot pink.  It's a rainbow in slow motion.

I'm still making ornaments...the one I'm working on it taking some time.  Plus I had to weave yesterday to finish a project for someone.  AND sometimes all I can do is sit there...the one I SHOULD finish today is going to be adorable, so it's worth it.

I put a deposit on a trip for next summer.  I'm excited.  Once I get confirmation that I'm in, I'll share the good news.  It's one I've wanted to do for a very very long time.

It's time for more coffee.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

3rd day of ornaments

On the 3rd day of ornaments I discovered a book at work called Christmas Crochet, so I bought it.  Such cute cute ideas in that book...if you're dying to get one, we have one more copy...

Yesterday I finished 5 ornaments while sitting on the couch watching football, trying to stay awake and was a tough day but still...5 pretty ornaments.

I'm particularly fond of the little red square.  It has some "fancy" front post crochet stitches that when put together look like a's its close-up.

It's that adorable?

Speaking of blowing up or shrinking down...this was from a pillow pattern, that blown up would be about 4" square.  It's right around 2".  The pink circle?  That's from a dish scrubbie pattern... totally cool texture.  And the others are the centers of larger motifs that I just did until the interesting part was over.  So fun.

Now, onto some official Christmas crochet!