Monday, October 26, 2015

One Year Ago; 4 Months Ago; Joy and Happiness

So, one year ago tomorrow I will have been "officially" divorced for 1 year.  While the date will always be in my head (dates do that...they stay there), I don't feel sad or regret or hurt or anything really.  Just another day with a slightly significant meaning.  A measuring point if you will.  Last year:

  • I was still very confused alone and scared
  • I hadn't faced the worst of my demons
  • I hadn't discovered, truly, what a wonderful person I am
  • I was getting by day by day (sometimes moment by moment)
  • I was just waking up to discover that I love life and that things are truly beautiful and wonderful.
This year:

  • I feel strong and capable
  • I feel very much a part of a group of people
  • I have found love again
  • I look forward to a future of joy and happiness.
I stop every now and then and think about the really big conversations that David and I had before we separated.  I kept pointing out that I didn't feel that we were embracing life, that we weren't happy.  That we didn't find joy in moments and didn't appreciate who we were individually as well as as a couple.

So the fact that I can see a future of joy and happiness, well, that's pretty wonderful and makes me so proud and content.  I appreciate who I am individually  I appreciate who Bill is individually.. I am learning to appreciate who Bill and I are as a couple (we're still very new together and that appreciation happens at funny times and's very special).

Tomorrow marks 4 months since we went on our first date.  That amazes me in so many ways.  I feel so complete in this relationship that I can hardly believe it's really only been 4 months--hasn't it been a lifetime?  And that makes me happy.  And then there's the moment of realizing that it's ONLY been 4 months and that means that there are so many more months to come.  And that makes me happy.

Joy and Happiness...those were the two things I wanted so much in my "past life."  I didn't realize they weren't attainable in those circumstances.  Too much was out of whack.  Too much had to be "righted" to make it happen.Too much had to change..

What I see in my current life is a level of stability I've never really experienced before.  I've worked very hard at naming my needs, of knowing what I want from life, and planning on how to get there. I'm very satisfied with my work.  I have a wonderful group of friends.  It's really amazing what I have accomplished this year.

Joy and Happiness are part of my life and will be.  It's as simple as that.  

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Random thoughts on reading, knitting, watching tv, coloring, being sick

I'm funny when I get sick.  I live in denial until I can't deny it anymore.  Sunday I just felt tired--you know it was because Saturday was an intensely physical day at work (it was, but honestly no more than usual).  I took a nap on Sunday...I never take naps unless I'm sick or getting sick. Clue #1.  Monday I woke up with a very very sore throat.  I took a look at it in the wasn't terribly swollen or red, no need to go to dr.  Folks at work had had a cold recently.  Probably nothing major. I was fighting it off.

Still I was super tired.  Went to grocery store and then came home and took a new allergy pill--because that's what the sore throat was about...allergies.  Then I took another nap and by bedtime admitted that I was getting sick.

I didn't got to work yesterday.  In fact, I didn't do much but sit on the couch and try to breathe.  Being sick sucks big-time.  (and yes I took another nap yesterday).

I didn't go to work today, but I am feeling MUCH better...hopefully the last of this little bug is gone and Bill won't catch it


I decided to put away the book I wasn't enjoying overly much and start a new one by an author who I know I love...and I love it.  It's so wonderful and good and it feels really right to be reading.


Apparently when I'm sick I want to start projects.  In the process of finding room for all of Bill's things in this tiny apartment I discovered the project bag with my mom's Mother's Day gift that wasn't and never will be finished.  I hated knitting with the yarn, though I love the yarn, but I couldn't bear to rip it out at the time.  I ripped it out yesterday.  I started crocheting with it.  It's lovely crocheted.  Lighter than air.  soft and so beautiful.  I'm so glad I ripped that out.


Fraternal socks are so cool.  I'm almost finished with my white/grey pair and went through all of my sock scraps and pulled out the ones that have enough weight to make more fraternal pairs.  Deciding on the patterns will be the toughest part.  Maybe.


I've been watching TV with Bill.  Just watching.  Not knitting, not playing games and kind of paying attention to the TV.  Actually watching shows and enjoying just hanging out.  I know you'll probably find this weird,but I don't think I've ever done that before.  Just sat and watched and enjoyed being entertained.


Last year before the bomb dropped I got really into "adult coloring books."   The only one I had at the time was the Secret Garden and it was just divine.  I think I've shared a couple of finished projects.

Since then adult coloring has taken on a pretty big place in the world.  I see ads on Facebook about the serenity gained when coloring.  I love it because of that very reason.  It calms by brain and body and allows me to see little bits of things and how they fill into the big whole. Plus I get to finish something really pretty in the end.

I got the Enchanted Forest (same artist as Secret Garden) in the mail last week. I want to color them all right now.  But of course I picked out the most most complicated (2 dragons surrounded by a gated entrance) which is 8 pages total coloring...right before I got sick.  It's a bit daunting to me today.  But I think this lovely offers some sollace...and I'll lovely working on another one like her, or maybe the Christmas trees that just came it...that could be fun too...

Monday, October 19, 2015

Slowly coming back together

The past couple of months has seen me really scattered.  I'm blowing with the wind, doing what I want, loving life...loving...just being happy.

Work is still going well, Bill is going great.  The kitties are happy. I'm happy.

What more can be said.

But I am starting to slowly settle.  I feel the pieces of me coming back together and getting in the right places.  I feel confident and comfortable.


I've even started reading a book--only a couple of chapters so far and I decided I didn't like it so I'm going to move on because I've learned to trust my instincts on things.

And I've also needed a bit of a knitting challenge...don't get me wrong, garter stitch is amazing, but something to dig my teeth into, knit and think and count and look at the beauty of as it comes together.  Now THAT is pretty cool...

First sock of a fraternal pair (I'm using the same pattern, but different colors of yarn):

The color is more true in the last picture though it is a bit washed out by the flash.

Pattern: Crocus Vernus Socks from Knitter's Curiosity Cabinet.  (I've decided I'm knitting my way through all of Hammerstien's books).

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Hard at work

I went to therapy today.  I've been going to therapy almost every week for the past year and a few months.  Since David left.  Since I discovered that finding myself and becoming strong were really important things for the remainder of my life.

I've worked very hard at it...this self-discovery.  This learning to take care of myself business. do I say it...establishing and enforcing my boundaries.

I slip every now and then.  Just last week (on Monday) I had a really rough day.  A day where I faced lots of fears.  Wondering what the heck I'm doing, what have I been doing, what business do I have doing the things that I am doing.

Was I crazy to move all the way to Nevada?  What prompted that?  (other than the obvious).

Why did I leave a field of work that I knew and was comfortable with?

Why did I go so far away from my known support network of family and friends?

Why did I decide to start dating when things were going really well for "just me"?

What the heck was I doing deciding to be in a committed relationship with another person?

How on earth was I going to recover if/when things went south with any of these decisions I'd made?

So, I cried, and I panicked (a lot actually) and I thought and I faced those fears and I realized a few things.

1.  Every decision that I've made has been made for a reason and I'm following through (maybe muddling through) to the best of my ability.
2.  Facing the fears for what they are (fears, nothing more) is strengthening.
3.  And my guy is a really wonderful guy...and that's a really wonderful thing to have.

I eventually calmed down last week.  I managed to gain some stability though I felt rather weak and fragile for a few days.  But I knew, deep in my soul, this soul that has been working hard to get healthy, that I'm in a good place, just where I need to be, and that everything will work out as it should.

Because, when you have those fears, those panic moments.  The thing you do is feel it, give it its head, then say "what's the worst that can happen" and "how will I deal with the worst when it happens"...

All the work that I've done this year has led me to this moment.  This moment when I could face the awful and realize that if it did happen (whatever the awful might be) I'll feel sad, I'll be hurt, but I'll get up and move on because I know how.

How's that for empowerment?

Monday, October 12, 2015


One of the many benefits of working for a yarn store is being in the midst of genius.  I work very closely with one of those geniuses on a daily basis--Rachel Unraveled.

I just finished the Ripple Effect Shawl and I have to tell you that the design, the pattern, everything about it is pure genius.  I started in 9/21 and realized pretty quickly that I was reading the pattern wrong, so I started over...then couldn't stop until I was finished knitting it.  I'm going to go block it here in a few minutes.  It's gorgeous, the yarn I chose was perfect.  I loved the knitting of it, and I highly recommend you go buy this pattern and some  yarn and make yourself happy  basking in the pure genius of it all.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Grammar Lessons

So, this morning as I was slowly waking up and making myself cogent enough to go to work...I had a thought...a thought about grammar and sentence construction and how something as simple as a conjunction and a little bit of punctuation can completely change the meaning of...well...everything.

Back in grad school we called this rhetorical grammar.  I thought it was an amazingly powerful thing and taught it to all of my freshmen too...because we really should think about the power of our words and how we construct them and what meanings they convey to others.

So, the profound thought went like this:

The old me felt that "I am special because someone loves me."
The new me feels that "I am special; therefore, someone loves me."

Because.  Therefore.  Two simple words, to seemingly simple sentences, but oh, the differences that they make in not only the meaning but how I feel about my life and relationships.

So, let's discuss because first.  Because is an important word. It conveys a causal relationship, usually the latter bringing about the former.  Not: "I am special"...but I am special because something happens to make me special.  In my former way of thinking I could only be special because someone loved me.  The syntax of that simple sentence (and I'm using that in the literal, grammatical way: simple versus compound) conveys that one can't exist without the other.  The word because in this example is a subordinating conjunction that introduces the clause "someone loves me."  The subordinating function of the word creates an idea that the main sentence can't exist without the clause. While we may be tempted to think of the "because someone loves me" part of the original sentence to be less important (or subordinate) to the meaning, it actually is more important to the meaning of the sentence because it defines exactly how I become special--only in the presence of someone who loves me.

Now, let's move on to therefore.  Therefore is one of my favorite conjunctions.  Again, it conveys motion, causal relationships, but it is different because it is a coordinating conjunction.  Its function in a sentence (the way I've used it, Therefore has multiple meanings and grammatical abilities) is to coordinate.  To make evident that both pieces of the sentence have equal importance.  In this case I'm making a compound sentence but the use of the semi-colon creates a balance, but it also creates a connection.  I could have written.  "I am special.  Therefore, someone loves me." but that would have had a different implication.  The "I am special" part is solitary--standing along.  It means something all by itself because it's contained within its neat grammatical package.  Put that semi-colon in there, though, and the two sentences become merged into one.  Their meaning becomes blended.  They must exist together as a single idea...being special and being loved become harmonious pieces to a whole thought and way of thinking.


I hope I didn't boggle your mind with my grammar lesson.  It's been very important for me to think through this.  To put into words and the rhetoric of my former and current lives.  To make sense of, though language, something that has been gnawing at my brain for a long time--this past year...this summer in particular.

When I was married I existed through my husband.  He was the defining person of my life and the way I thought and thought about myself.  If he believed something should happen, then I made sure that it happened.  It didn't matter if I liked it or wanted happened because the central driving force of our relationship determined it should be that way.

I was special, until I wasn't.  And that was a hard lesson to work though.  How could I become special ever again? How could I become defined as someone worthy when the one person who defined my specialness no longer thought I was special?  How did I learn to exist beyond what I had been?  How did I become special?


This lesson has been a hard one to learn.  To understand that I'm special because I am.  And in realizing my worth and power I can open myself up to truly being loved and appreciated.  As hard as it has been to learn, and as hard as it is some days to remember, it is the driving force of my life right now.  It's the reason I could date again.  It's the reason I could pick myself up and redefine who I am and what I do.  It's the reason, plain and simple, that I am happy.

I'm special.

Simple sentence.  Powerful discovery.

Monday, August 31, 2015

Settling in

Things really went wonky in my world after I got back from my big trip (the one to Europe...remember?). I  decided to start dating and darn if that didn't take off in a way I'd never expected.

I'm not complaining...not at all...I'm incredibly happy...I just figured there would be lots of practice along the way before I decided to stick with one person and figure the rest out.

It's good.  And I think we're settling into a routine and pattern of things.  Which I like because I've really missed knitting.

And I haven't been knitting because I've been unsettled.  (again not bad, just not settled).  I've felt antsy and when I do have time I haven't had the focus or ability to "settle" on one project... a result I've started about 15 projects in the past 2 months, finished none, and made precious little progress on those that I did start.  I've run out of knitting needles, tips and cords, and have decided that I'm not buying more because I've let things get out of hand...

So I decided today after I woke up (slept late, it was wonderful) that I was going to finish some things.

First up on the finishing agenda is the Knit Night Shawl I started last week, or the week before, or whenever that was. It's so lovely and the yarn is so pretty (beautifully dyed...just gorgeous)...and there's promise of some nip in the air and it would be wonderful to wear a new shawl to work in a week or so.

Can you believe it's almost September already?  September, for me, is going to be dedicated to settling in.

My picture today is of a lovely sunset a couple of weeks ago. It wasn't one of the brilliant ones where the sky turns neon and the clouds burst with glory. It was just a gentle turning of color, ombre if you will.  The magpies and I settled in to view it and it was wondrous.  Tonight promises to be the same.