Saturday, April 18, 2015

The writing down of it

For any of you who have been through the kind of loss and separation that I've experienced this year, you know...you know that there's a soft kind place called denial that comforts you and helps you through the worst of the pain.

Denial is a safe place.  A place where you can hold yourself tight and stay safe and become comfortable with yourself...the thing that's outside of denial, well...you don't have to pay attention to it, do you?

Denial is a warm place.  A place where you are protected from the cold winds and the harsh climate of reality.  A place that is cozy, comforting and, if not happy, at least it's not terrible.

Denial may be the place that allows us to stay alive.  By denying the things that are going on around us we build some kind of protective walls from the anguish and pain that if we had to face it head on would certainly break us.

Denial is the place that we go to heal from the awful...and as we heal, we start to tiptoe outside of denial.  Often we have to go back, but more and more we become aware that the awful isn't going to kill us anymore and we can approach it.

Look it in the eyes.

Stare it down.

And cry.  Feel sad, feel scared.  Feel alone.

But we aren't in denial anymore, and we know that it's there if we need to run back to it.

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I think, too, that each of us has our own kind of denial.  Some people throw themselves into work or hobbies or their children in order to avoid the hurt that's waiting for them when they're done with that project.

Or they pretend that the thing that's real--the awful--simply isn't.  (that's me).

Some folks turn their backs on the real and walk away from it.  They acknowledge that it's there but they deny its power over them.

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Facing reality has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  Staring down demons that were there in my life...the ones that made me miserable, the ones that made me pretend that I wasn't miserable.  The ones that hurt me day in and day out and I denied their presence and their pain because it was simply easier to go on...more comfortable to put on my blanket of denial and pretend that things weren't what they were.

I can't pretend any longer.  I have to say it...to write it...to tell people the truth.  The awful, sad, painful truth.  And while I know I'm ready to say it, I know that others may not be ready to hear it.  Their own blanket of denial is protecting them from whatever demons lurk in their lives.

So, I sit...and I write it down...and it hurts and it scares me.

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But I came to a realization last week.  One that I've kept to myself because it's so precious.  One that has made all the difference in the world to me.  One that has made me happier than I think I've ever been in my life.

I'm safe.  I've built a space for myself, here in my apartment in Reno, in my wonderful job at JBW, with my new friends and colleagues, with my old friends and colleagues, with my family, with my therapist, with my pets, with the demons from my past...a space that I've created by facing the reality that I have...here and now.  The one I'm living.

There are still things that may hurt me, people who have the ability and probably desire to do something harmful to me.  But I can decide how much to let them in and in knowing that little truth.  Knowing that I have power.  That I can build, and have built, the boundaries around me to hold me safe and protect me--AND NOT DENY MY PRESENT OR THE RELATIONSHIPS WITH PEOPLE AROUND ME--I have become something that I treasure.  Something that I know that I will do whatever it takes to protect MYSELF.

This one thing...this knowing...these boundaries...this safety.  It's monumental, paradigm shifting.

Simply amazing.

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And I'm so proud of myself for it all.

Friday, April 17, 2015

I haven't gone missing

...well not really.  I've just been knitting a lot and watching a lot of tv and ruminating and figuring some things out.  Give me a week or so...I think I'll be back to normal by then.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Pooling

If you ever wonder what the knitters/crocheters/weavers/crafters who work in yarn stores talk about while at work...not surprisingly there are a lot of conversations about yarn.

We're always amazed at the new stuff that comes in.  We touch it, criticize it, play with it, fondle it, imagine what wonderful things it could be.  Often we covet it and wish we had enough money and time to bring it home and do all the amazing things we dream of it becoming.  Sometimes we buy it and thank our lucky stars that we work in a yarn store where we get to see such wonderful things.

We talk about the projects on our needles.  We love seeing the work of our fellow co-workers.  We like to feel the yarn, look at the finished project, be amazed at the talent and creativity of the person who made it.

We talk about the things we do in our time off--mostly knitting, but there's lots of tv and hiking and other interests that keep us going in our lives away from the warehouse.

We talk about work...that isn't surprising, but we often have to "figure things out" and that requires many pow-wows.

We talk about our families.

We talk about our dreams and plans.

And, I know you'll be surprised because of the "teaser" title of this entry...we talk about pooling.

People have lots of opinions about pooling.  You love it or hate it.  Want to plan it or let serendipity take its toll.  You want only solids, or the more color the better.  Some people are afraid of pooling and buy the beautiful hand dyed or painted yarn only to let it sit in their stash for fear of what it'll look like knitted up...

But mostly, we forget that pooling is what happens any time colors get together.  Take the sky for instance. Right now it's a lot of pooling of dark grey with some lighter greys mixed in there.  There are places in the sky where the pooling makes shapes and creates interest and dimension...but mostly it's just the sky--an overall grey with bits of colors pooled in there for interest.

A lovely masterpiece created by the Higher Power for our enjoyment.

Or take another example from nature:  When you gain some distance from a rose bush, it looks like all it is is red and green, but upon getting closer you can see the individual flowers, the differences in the colors of red and green, and the bits of brown that got lost in the overall color of the bush.

Or a mountain.  The mountains out in Reno have lately put on a blush of green. It was rather neon looking yesterday afternoon--but subtle.  Overall the mountains still look brown and maintain their power against the sky--but their pooling changes from day to day.

Which is why I think that pooling is so amazing when we get to knit it into a project.  Taken as a "whole" a project will look one color.  We typically see it from afar and only upon up-close inspection do we see the little bits of colors and pooling that happen when you use a multi-colored yarn.  Sometimes we think that it isn't attractive, but if we step away and see the item we've knitted from the distance that others will see it, or look at it as a whole, the pooling becomes abstract, not personal, and it becomes a lovely part of the project.  The painterly effect from the skein becomes a painterly effect in the knitted fabric.

And it's just lovely and wonderful and oh-so-surprising if you let it be.

Yarn: Rockin' Sock Light in November 2012 Club Color "Cables of Wrath"
Pattern:  Trillian.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Not 1, Not 2, but THREE finished projects!

 Yarn:  Traveler by Dragonfly in March 2015 Color "Jocelyn"
Pattern:  Dovetail Cowl

 Yarn: Miss Babs Yummy 2-ply in March 2015 Colors Pool and Lagoon
Pattern: Lunaris


Yarn: Tanis Fiber Orange Label in JBW Microbrew Color Luxe
Pattern: Ups and Downs Cowl (It's crochet but I bet you didn't see it at first!)

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I've been busy this week...processing, coming to terms with things I don't want to come to terms with and knitting/crocheting and watching BBC shows on TV.

This getting healthy business is hard work.  I know I'll get there but some days it's just hard.  Hard, hard, hard, hard and hard.

Awesome news: I've been promoted to Back Orders and Inventory Manager!  I was dying to tell you but I had to wait until it was official and announced and everything.  I'm so excited and have some ideas about things we can try so we can be more efficient and accurate and all that jazz...

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Knit night tonight. I'll be working on a Trillian Shawl in November 2012 Rockin'Sock color Cables of Wrath.

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Hugs everybody.  I know we all need them and virtual or not, they do lift your spirits!

Friday, March 27, 2015

I never know what day of the week it is

One of the weird things about working in a business that is open 7 days a week is that only a few have a M-F schedule.  Many of us work different schedules, don't have 2 days in a row off, or something along those lines.

I work Saturday through Wednesday right now.  So, when everyone comes to work and says "ugh it's such a Monday," all I can think is "it's Wednesday, right"

And on Wednesday when it's my Friday I'm so happy and tell everyone when I leave "see you next week" because it's MY weekend...well, that's just weird, too.

And on Friday when I'm relaxing or doing errands or doing whatever I used to do on Sundays I read all these posts on Facebook about everyone talking about it being Friday and looking forward to having their weekend...and I'm thinking "but my "Monday" is tomorrow.

It's right confusing, I tell you.

And I really usually have absolutely no idea what day of the week it is.  Good thing I'm good about marking the days off of my calendar because I think I'd forget even worse.

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Today, as in just a few minutes ago, I put this beauty on the blocking mats.


Pattern: Lunaris
Yarn: Yummy by Miss Babs in colors Lagoon and Pool--March 2015 colors to represent Sri Lanka on the 2015 Miss Babs Knitting Tour.

I loved knitting with this yarn.  The dye is gorgeous and the two colors are so special and wonderful.  I'm going to see if I have enough left to make a pair of fraternal socks...and if so those will be cast on this afternoon.

Monday, March 23, 2015

Grief

Grief is a funny thing, isn't it?  It's such a long process...drawn out.  There are good days, bad days, some days you think you can't make it through.

And somehow we do.

Grief has hit me hard this week.  I find it funny that my last entry was about how happy I am.  And I am happy.

Maybe that's the thing, right?  I'm happy, I'm ok...I'm not worrying too much anymore.  I'm feeling good about my choices and my future...and then grief, those emotions that I haven't processed because they were too painful when I was so sad and scared and miserable...Grief comes to the front and smacks me in the gut and makes me want to curl up and cry for a good long time.

So I do. And I ache and I hurt and I wish so much that things weren't the way they are.

But things are the way they are and I am where I am, and I know that it's a good thing, even though it hurts right now.

I know I'll pull through it because I will.  I'm doing the hard work I need to do to get healthy.  Part of that is knowing that not everyday is going to be perfect and that sometimes I have to feel sad.  And sometimes I have to cry.  And sometimes I have to wish things were the way they used to be even though I don't really wish that.

And then Pearl brings me a ball and we play for a bit and Zora lets me hug her really tight and feel her squishy belly...and I start to feel better.  I talk to some friends and look at pics my mom is sending about her fun trip...and I start feeling better.

I know it'll be ok.  I'm doing ok...I know that.

But today I'm sad anyway.




Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Happy Thoughts

Well, I've been in Backorders/Receiving for 3 weeks now and I thoroughly love it.  I can't remember ever being so excited about going to work and thrilled while I'm there.

And I love, even more, when I walk into work and people say "ooh, what are YOU wearing today?" and they come give me the "knitter's handshake" by touching and giving me compliments about my new shawl...

I mean, seriously!  I've stumbled into not only satisfying work but also awesome colleagues.  Life is indeed happy.


Pattern is Penance and Pennants for the 2014 Dragonfly Club.  Yarn is Stone Circle in Traveler.  My thoughts?  Pattern was "eh."    Lovely end result, but several errors which made it frustrating.  I'm a smart knitter, but also a lazy one.  I don't want to have to "think" about what I should be doing instead of what the pattern is telling me to do.  Tech editing is so important to a good pattern.

The yarn, though?  OH MY.  Traveler felt a tad scratchy at first, but when it got in its bath it became the happiest creature in the world.  It loosened up, relaxed and told me just how happy it was to be knitted up into the pattern that it was knitted up into.  I barely had to do anything for blocking because it just "was"...The dye work by Dragonfly is some of the best out there.  The yarn is gorgeous in the skein, in the cake, knitted up AND crocheted (I'm crocheting a scrap afghan with my yarn club leftovers).

Oh, and that button at my throat?  It's vintage, from my Grandma's button box.

Happy thoughts indeed!

(and in case you're wondering I entered AND processed 21 invoices today...that's a TON...and it's SO MUCH FUN!)