Wednesday, October 29, 2014

I breathed...

Well...I managed to get through the terrible awful.

And I have to say I did it through the encouragement and love of good friends and loving family and an inner strength that continues to amaze me.

Everything is now final.  And I have to say that my anxiety levels which I would have put at a 7 or 8 on Saturday and they remained that through the hearing on Monday have dropped to a 2.  I'm so calm and relaxed and just feel at peace.

I do not, for one moment, like HOW things were done, but I do have to say that they were right.

It's still incredibly sad and I still have moments of huge sorrow and grief.  It's all tangled up with the loss of my dad, uncle and husband in such a short period of time.

But, I will instead discover a new me that had been hiding and is so ready to come out and play and love life and live and enjoy what's happening all around her.

-------

I knitted on this sock yesterday on the flights and at the airport.  The yarn is Allegria by Manos del Uruguay.  Yummy yummy yummy.  I can't wait for them to be finished so I can wear them and everyone will see me coming from a mile away :)


Saturday, October 25, 2014

One day, 6 minutes, and one breath

When I was a little girl, my mom's cousin used to sing at church sometimes and she had an amazing voice.  Pure beautiful and amazing.  She could have been a star if she'd wanted to.

One of her favorite songs to sing was called "one day at a time" and I can still hear the "Sweet Jesus" part of the chorus in my head.  I don't remember all the words, but the general message was to take things in perspective, stay focused on the now, and look to the higher power to help you get through it...so much of what I'm trying to do right now to get healthy and take care of myself.

I talked with Sandy who showed up for our meeting yesterday.  She wished me luck on my upcoming trip (more on that in a second) and said, "My friend said sometimes you have to take it 6 minutes at a time...just do what you have to to get through the next breath and eventually it'll be over."

So, that's what I'm doing.  On Monday the divorce will be final and I have to fly to Mississippi to be present for the hearing.  I really don't want to do this for many many reasons, but I will...and I'll get through it...and I'll be on the other side of all this and back in my apartment in just 5 days...and then THIS part of this process will be behind me.

And when I get back, watch out...I'm feeling the creative juices flowing.  They're inspiring me in so many ways...so many happy things to make and do and feel.  It's going to be wonderful when this anxiety has been dampened...one day, one minute or one breath at at time.  Whatever it takes.

--------------

I promised to take you through the design phase of some of my work.  I am making a set of towels for my aunt to give my cousin and she sent me this picture to use as inspiration.

The one I'm focusing on is in the upper right of the picture, the orange, cream and blue one.  I've picked my colors and will show them to you when I'm on next...maybe Wednesday, maybe Tuesday.

------------

Until then, send happy loving thoughts my way and remind me to breathe.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

It's the Little Things

It really is the little things in life that call to attention the awesome beauty and amazing potential we have.  Little things like a kitty kiss, or making the green light, or catching the elevator.

Little things like seeing a leaf on the ground and crunching it.

Little things like feeling the wind in your hair.

Or seeing clouds in the sky.

Or eating a healthy supper.

Or buying yourself flowers because you've done well.

Or hearing someone say "you're doing such a good job of taking care of yourself" when that's really become the theme of things around here...validation is pretty amazing.

-----------

I like knitting, weaving, and crocheting with little things too...mini skeins, samples or whatever you want to call them.  We sell them at work, but I was buying the Tosh Tea Cakes well before I started working here.

I have finally collected enough to start on my scrap afghan(s).  I'm making a hexagon crochet afghan to start and am currently about 1/2 finished with the tiny centers.  So cute...and so fun...and so little.

See, it's the little things.

People at work have asked me how I "manage" the mini skeins.  I wind them into cakes. I just tie the ends together and keep going.  I try to make them random but they don't really have to be because I choose random balls and only work from the outside yarn.  When I get to the join, I cut, and grab another ball and keep going.



I also like to bring in all my extras from the sock yarns I have so I make a little ball of them and use them up during all of this too.  It's really quite fun...

Little things.  Stop and look around and appreciate them because they are awesome.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

2 Months ago today

Two months ago today I left Mississippi to move to Reno.  I drove in the car for 4 days straight with just my kitty cats and my music and my audiobooks...and I made it here and have grown so much in the past two months that I hardly recognize myself from who I was back then.

I'm so much more confident.  I know that I can manage things and do them and even if I don't like them getting them done is so much better than not.  I am fearful sometimes, but that's not lack of confidence, it's more lack of planning or strategies.

I'm so much more grateful.  I know that I have things in my life that are wonderful.  Even though I've been mostly alone for the past 2 months, I've been able to read, and weave, and knit, and crochet and see amazing sunsets and play with beautiful yarn and meet some pretty amazing people.

And you know who one of those people I've met is?

me.

Surprising isn't it?

I'm funny and smart and kind and really a pretty neat person to be around.  I'm talented and creative and fun.  I make people laugh and I really do not care about whether things are perfect or not (this surprises me...).

I really like myself, and that's a pretty cool thing to accomplish.  44 years, 2 months, ever.  However you manage it, finding yourself, loving yourself...it's the pathway.  To wherever you want to go.

------

Today's pictures are a set...and a progression in the act of vulnerability.  I present to you Pearl's Belly.


Friday, October 17, 2014

What's Friday for the rest of you...

...is "Tuesday" for me.  I started my work week yesterday and will work through Monday.  I don't mind, really, but it IS a tad odd being so off of the rest of the world's schedule.

In some ways it's good, though.  Like going to the grocery store, or taking time on my days off to do things like get driver's license or mail stuff.

Mind you I still haven't gotten my driver's license, but I'm going to some day...not likely this Tuesday as I already have overcommitted, and next week I'm going to Mississippi for three days so it won't happen then, so maybe I'll do it for my birthday in November. that sounds good doesn't it?

I had the opportunity to work in retail today and found it to be wonderful.  There's a retreat going on in Tahoe this weekend and many of the ladies made a pilgrimage to Jimmy Beans to shop in the "real store" and then, if they were lucky, take a tour of the warehouse.  I just love it when people walk in the warehouse.  They always look up, then look out, then say "wow."

Exactly.

-----

One of the really amazing things about living alone is that there aren't any rules of common behavior.  For instance, if I want to drink wine out of coffee cup who's to tell me that it's not ok.  No one because I've decided that it's totally ok to drink wine out of a coffee cup.

And then one day I found this coffee cup on line and it arrived in the mail at the same exact time as my 2 skeins of yarn club yarn.  What a happy day that was...sometime last week.


Tuesday, October 14, 2014

A spectacular sunset...and retrospective

Tonight I went outside for the sunset.  I sat on the curb at the edge of our parking lot and just allowed myself to be mesmerized.

It was truly beautiful.  Not as stunning as the sunset yesterday which looked like the clouds erupted from the mountain and were flowing over my head, but still...that gorgeous glow in the middle was red red.

Takes my breath away.

And makes me realize that I've come a long long way in the 3 months since the "bomb dropped" and my world shattered.

I found beauty...remember that it was my path to healing... and it comes to me for free every day.

And you know what?  Within beauty resides love.  Or maybe within love resides beauty.

I can't help but see this beauty and love what I've become.  Love who I have always been.  Love what decisions I've made and the mistakes I've made.  My imperfections, flaws, inconsistencies...those are beautiful and lovable too.

I can't help but see this beauty and be thankful that I'm ABLE to see the beauty.  That I didn't let myself get poisoned and drug under by the dark (it was there, it was calling to me, and I told it to go the hell away).

I can't help but see this beauty and not be calm and know that I'm on the right path and that I just need to trust.

I won't worry about tomorrow, but I WILL make a date with myself to get out and see the sunset at 6:15 because that, my friends, is the greatest show on earth.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

16000

That's about how many steps I took today.  I'm exhausted.

But this was the sunrise that I saw when I went into the retail store to pick up something.  What a special treat.



Now, I'm off to knit some more on that gorgeous shawl.  And fall asleep fairly soon even though it's only 7:30 because...that's how I roll these days.