I don't want to share the details of it yet. I want to let the involved parties adjust a little better before they let me know if it's something they are ok with me talking about in a public space.
But, it was the kind of news that rallies the family together, that requires lots of phone calls, hugs and quiet thinking time. It was the kind of news that makes one really mad at the world and wonder "why things like this happen?"
It was the kind of news that I know once I'm on the other side of it, I'll have an even more difficult time coping. It was the kind of news that made me realize I have no answers, nothing to say, and even less that I can actually do about it.
It makes me feel very small, sad...not necessarily alone because I know I'm not, but somehow I also am.
Talking with Auntie J yesterday afternoon, she said, "go home and knit tonight. You'll feel better." So, I did. I'd intended to anyway, but with her explicit instructions, I knew I had to. I knew I had to make it make me feel better.
And of course it did. Sitting with my blanket it my lap working those stitches over and over helped relax me somewhat, focused my brain away from the things that were making me sad, and helped me realize that we will all somehow manage, cope and figure this mess out.
Here's a picture of the Noro blanket with row 3 attached and Zora sitting on top. She is very happy that I've made this blanket for her.
As I was going to sleep last night, I realized how hard it is to be grateful in the midst of heartbreak. (See my entry from June 2012 about my practice of expressing gratitude each night.) Finding one thing when so many things are falling apart is really hard.
And as I was fussing and feeling sorry for myself Pearl came and snuggled with me. Then a few minutes later Zora appeared. And I smiled at the sweet purring kitties cuddled to my tummy and back and realized that I am blessed. Sometimes knowing bad things is a blessing even if we don't like to know what we know. But knowing allows us the time to do the things we need to do, take advantage of the blessings we do have and glory in them. Being grateful for knowing (even when the knowing hurts) helps alleviate that hurt somewhat.
Last night I was grateful for:
- 2 purring kitties
- being able to knit and feel calmer
- creating beauty in the midst of chaos
- having a loving wonderful supportive husband
- seeing the deep love and caring that my daughters show so easily--and feeling proud that I've been able to help cultivate that beauty in their personality
- being part of a big family who care so deeply for one another
- having such wonderful parents