Yesterday I had three separate people tell me how brave I am and how much they admire my courage and strength...
And I have to tell you that yesterday I was feeling so low and sorry for myself that I sat down and cried a couple of times. While accepting things you can't change is empowering it is also very sad because you're letting go of so much. I know that I can't change David's mind about this. And part of me (a big part when I'm allowing myself to be truly honest) knows he's right...but the part of me that knows he's wrong has been fighting really hard this week.
And I've been listening because I miss his love and companionship. I miss having someone to come home to and tell what an awesome day I've had. I miss having someone to share how absolutely adorable Pearl is (and Zora too when she allows herself). I miss having someone to explore Reno with and to get settled into life here with. Someone to go to the store with me and see what kinds of vegetables and fruits they have and to marvel at how cheap wine is here (really!) I miss someone having dinner with me, going out to eat, to watch football games with.
And then I get all these sweet messages from people who are telling me that I'm doing great, that they are amazed at the strength and courage I've displayed and I think "am I just putting on a good show?" So, I think about it and decide that...
I'm not putting on a good show...I'm just being me. I'm embracing the beauty and changes around me and doing this for ME.
Yes, I'll miss the man I loved for 25 years who decided one day not to be my husband anymore. I'll have to take time to get used to not thinking about him every day, but I've loved myself for 44 years and you know what? I'm pretty cool.
And I am strong, and I'm pretty good company and I can do all these things by myself pretty well...But part of being strong right now is also being sad and weak and wondering how the heck I'm going to get myself to see the beauty and then stopping and saying "good attitude" and putting on that good attitude and seeing the beauty. It's all around me and as I unpack my yarn (yea sock and noro yarns tonight) and see the mountains playing coy in the mornings and look out the windows of my apartment and see gorgeous blue skies and the peaks of mountains in the distance, I know it's beautiful. Life is beautiful. It's a matter of putting the attitude in the right place and deciding to see that instead of the other.
And the fear subsides, the sadness goes back into its cubby, and the happiness starts to shine. I smiled a lot today, I worked well, I felt good. I was confident (and my hair looked good!).
So, see, attitude is amazing. And the awesome thing about attitude is that we get to CHOOSE it which means that we're in control of it. And that by being in control of it, we don't let all the other stuff control our lives.
And Pearl...Pearl is adorable and I can share how adorable she is with y'all...because folks...this truly is a special cat.