Fear

I'm struggling with a lot of fear right now.  I know that's probably normal, but I don't like being scared and it's really not something that I've realized about myself--that I've done things to protect myself from getting in situations where I might be scared.

For instance:

I dislike really crowded spaces and they make me feel kind of panicky.  So, while in London, I would choose my Underground route by leaving or returning at a certain time or by using a different train than the one that might be the most direct.  It helped me get from point A to point B but it didn't help me understand my fear and how to address the real cause of what creates such an uncomfortable feeling for me in crowds.

I've never had a full-blown panic attack, but I've felt them lurking in the shadows these last 2 weeks.  And last night I woke up three times with that adrenaline feeling in my legs--bad dreams I suppose, but why?  What's so fearful about being in the bed that I'd slept in for years in my home where I've lived for 13 years?

All the uncertainty and change and turmoil going on in my life, that's what. I'm also working through some issues with my therapist and I assume that's bound to bring out some negative feelings at first--like popping a pimple is kind of ugly but it does the job.

So, while I learn the job of taking care of myself and being independent, I'm also facing a lot of fears.  And in the meantime I'm creating lovely things.  Today I will weave and crochet on my blanket (the Imperfect Beauty got even more imperfect when I stitched one row to the next and didn't match up the squares quite right...I DID fix that this morning because it would have caused problems in the end).  I want to open up an Etsy shop and sell some of my creations.  I also want to start designing patterns, so need to figure out how one goes about doing that...but first, I apply for jobs because I must also figure out hot to pay my bills--that whole being independent things also means financial.  Tough stuff getting through these days, I'll tell you.

Today's picture is of Zora being sweet to me.  It doesn't happen often so when it does it's really special.