Reminding Myself

I have to remind myself to be vulnerable.  To let myself see people and experience how they look at me when I walk through the store or go into a building.  To place my thoughts "out there" and see how they respond.  To apply for jobs I dream about and not worry whether I get them.  To go into interviews and not be nervous.

I watched Brene Brown's TED talk about vulnerability this morning.  When she said, "Vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, passion and creativity," I broke down crying.

Because here's the hard truth:  I've lived my life doing things for other people--doing things that I thought would make other people proud of me--doing things that if I did them well and good enough would make people take notice and love me just a little more than they used to.  But I was not doing them for ME...because they made me happy and proud and satisfied and love myself more.  In fact, I would say increasingly over the past few years I've made myself miserable because I couldn't do the things I wanted to.  Or if I did them it was only as an "extra thing" and not "worthy" of my full life and attention even though that's what I needed to do to be truly happy with myself.

When I stepped off of that 10 mile high platform a month ago I didn't realize that I'd be bouncing back up onto a 20 mile high platform and have to jump without a safety net.

The fear I'm experiencing makes me want to climb down all those miles of ladders to gain safe ground, but you know what...that ground wasn't safe because it was me living my life for other people.  So, I have to buck-up, step to the edge and do it.

I'll keep you posted when my wings are holding me up!

Today's picture:

Some napkins I wove 5 years ago and have been using almost daily since. I  love these napkins and am amazed that they are 5 years old this week.