I've worked very hard at it...this self-discovery. This learning to take care of myself business. This...how do I say it...establishing and enforcing my boundaries.
I slip every now and then. Just last week (on Monday) I had a really rough day. A day where I faced lots of fears. Wondering what the heck I'm doing, what have I been doing, what business do I have doing the things that I am doing.
Was I crazy to move all the way to Nevada? What prompted that? (other than the obvious).
Why did I leave a field of work that I knew and was comfortable with?
Why did I go so far away from my known support network of family and friends?
Why did I decide to start dating when things were going really well for "just me"?
What the heck was I doing deciding to be in a committed relationship with another person?
How on earth was I going to recover if/when things went south with any of these decisions I'd made?
So, I cried, and I panicked (a lot actually) and I thought and I faced those fears and I realized a few things.
1. Every decision that I've made has been made for a reason and I'm following through (maybe muddling through) to the best of my ability.
2. Facing the fears for what they are (fears, nothing more) is strengthening.
3. And my guy is a really wonderful guy...and that's a really wonderful thing to have.
I eventually calmed down last week. I managed to gain some stability though I felt rather weak and fragile for a few days. But I knew, deep in my soul, this soul that has been working hard to get healthy, that I'm in a good place, just where I need to be, and that everything will work out as it should.
Because, when you have those fears, those panic moments. The thing you do is feel it, give it its head, then say "what's the worst that can happen" and "how will I deal with the worst when it happens"...
All the work that I've done this year has led me to this moment. This moment when I could face the awful and realize that if it did happen (whatever the awful might be) I'll feel sad, I'll be hurt, but I'll get up and move on because I know how.
How's that for empowerment?
It's brilliant. It's great that you are able to understand and navigate your feelings. it's easy to just spiral with those feelings. Each time you rise and return from those fears and lows you've got more to bank on. You've got more to remind you that you don't have to stay in the depths. At least that's what I tell myself. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're wearing your lovely shawl. I hope it brings you as much joy wearing it as it brought you knitting it.