It's been so amazingly helpful in so many ways:
1. I know that I can really only focus on improving myself one little bit at a time
2. I know that it's ok to only focus on improving myself one little bit at a time
3. Some things take lots of practice and lots of reminders and lots of "getting back to it"...
4. Being able to see the beauty in the world takes a complete willingness to let go of control...of the NEED to control...and just let me tell you that that is incredibly frightening
5. Facing my past is necessary for healing and forgiveness...but I don't have to face all days at once.
6. I'm going to have some days that are better than others...some setbacks if you will
7. Did I mention that letting go of the need to control, because it's central to getting all the rest of this done.
And as I begin to explore the possibility of a new relationship (yes, it's to that...apparently I just "got out there") I can see how much FUN it is to just BE in the relationship. I'm laughing and smiling and being silly...and it's amazing. I've never had this kind of fun before. It was always so serious, so goal driven, so "purposeful."
I'm still incredibly skittish. I still have moments when breathing is really difficult. I have lots of moments when I'm questioning whether what I'm experiencing is really real or just something I want it to be because I want it to be.
Letting go of control. Letting go of the past. Letting go of so many things...hatred, fear, barricades. It is the kind of empowerment that control can never have...control is based on fear and the "lack of" is always out there and threatening. The letting go creates the opportunity for beauty and love to flourish.
(that platform that I jumped off of last year got just another little higher and a bunch more frightening, but I'm taking a deep breath and seeing just how much stronger my wings are...because let me tell you that the view from up here is definitely breathtaking!)
This is me last year...just a couple of days after David left. I was on my way to go see the girls and had just gotten my hair done. Somehow I still managed to smile for my selfie. You can't see my red eyes behind those cool glasses, but when I look at this picture I see such a lost girl. One who has no idea what she's about to do but who's ready to do it. One who somehow, despite all the pain and fear, trusted herself and her higher power to get the work done to make what seemed impossible happen.
And here I am today. Right this minute as I type this entry, not touched up or filtered. The me today...she's gorgeous, confident and proud. She's also scared, skittish and yet still ready to see what other beautiful and amazing things she can experience.
Letting go did not mean losing anything. I let go and everything that was special and important in my life flourished, most importantly myself. And the things that I was holding onto that were holding me down. I don't miss them. Not one teeny weeny bit.