Grief

Grief is a funny thing, isn't it?  It's such a long process...drawn out.  There are good days, bad days, some days you think you can't make it through.

And somehow we do.

Grief has hit me hard this week.  I find it funny that my last entry was about how happy I am.  And I am happy.

Maybe that's the thing, right?  I'm happy, I'm ok...I'm not worrying too much anymore.  I'm feeling good about my choices and my future...and then grief, those emotions that I haven't processed because they were too painful when I was so sad and scared and miserable...Grief comes to the front and smacks me in the gut and makes me want to curl up and cry for a good long time.

So I do. And I ache and I hurt and I wish so much that things weren't the way they are.

But things are the way they are and I am where I am, and I know that it's a good thing, even though it hurts right now.

I know I'll pull through it because I will.  I'm doing the hard work I need to do to get healthy.  Part of that is knowing that not everyday is going to be perfect and that sometimes I have to feel sad.  And sometimes I have to cry.  And sometimes I have to wish things were the way they used to be even though I don't really wish that.

And then Pearl brings me a ball and we play for a bit and Zora lets me hug her really tight and feel her squishy belly...and I start to feel better.  I talk to some friends and look at pics my mom is sending about her fun trip...and I start feeling better.

I know it'll be ok.  I'm doing ok...I know that.

But today I'm sad anyway.