The language of letting go

The book of daily meditations I've been reading for the past year is called The Language of Letting Go. It's a codependent's guide to learning to live life, love, accept the uncontrollable and become happy.  Every morning (or most mornings since I'm only in "November" and did start reading it 1 year ago) I read the daily thought and try to think about how it applies to my life and what I can do to focus on that one thing that day.

It's been so amazingly helpful in so many ways:
1.  I know that I can really only focus on improving myself one little bit at a time
2.  I know that it's ok to only focus on improving myself one little bit at a time
3.  Some things take lots of practice and lots of reminders and lots of "getting back to it"...
4.  Being able to see the beauty in the world takes a complete willingness to let go of control...of the NEED to control...and just let me tell you that that is incredibly frightening
5.  Facing my past is necessary for healing and forgiveness...but I don't have to face all days at once.
6.  I'm going to have some days that are better than others...some setbacks if you will
7.  Did I mention that letting go of the need to control, because it's central to getting all the rest of this done.

And as I begin to explore the possibility of a new relationship (yes, it's to that...apparently I just "got out there") I can see how much FUN it is to just BE in the relationship.  I'm laughing and smiling and being silly...and it's amazing.  I've never had this kind of fun before.  It was always so serious, so goal driven, so "purposeful."

I'm still incredibly skittish.  I still have moments when breathing is really difficult.  I have lots of moments when I'm questioning whether what I'm experiencing is really real or just something I want it to be because I want it to be.

Letting go of control.  Letting go of the past.  Letting go of so many things...hatred, fear, barricades.   It is the kind of empowerment that control can never have...control is based on fear and the "lack of" is always out there and threatening.  The letting go creates the opportunity for beauty and love to flourish.

(that platform that I jumped off of last year got just another little higher and a bunch more frightening, but I'm taking a deep breath and seeing just how much stronger my wings are...because let me tell you that the view from up here is definitely breathtaking!)

This is me last year...just a couple of days after David left.  I was on my way to go see the girls and had just gotten my hair done.  Somehow I still managed to smile for my selfie.  You can't see my red eyes behind those cool glasses, but when I look at this picture I see such a lost girl.  One who has no idea what she's about to do but who's ready to do it.  One who somehow, despite all the pain and fear, trusted herself and her higher power to get the work done to make what seemed impossible happen.

And here I am today.  Right this minute as I type this entry, not touched up or filtered.  The me today...she's gorgeous, confident and proud.  She's also scared, skittish and yet still ready to see what other beautiful and amazing things she can experience.

Letting go did not mean losing anything.  I let go and everything that was special and important in my life flourished, most importantly myself.   And the things that I was holding onto that were holding me down.  I don't miss them.  Not one teeny weeny bit.

I continue to be blown away

Today is a reflective day for me.  I moved to Nevada 6 months ago.

6 months ago I was running away from an awful situation into what I hoped would be a place where I could heal, focus on me for a little while and find my path.

Hell if I didn't hit the jackpot (an apt metaphor in a state of gambling, don't you think?)

I love it here.  I love everything about it.  Even the rain shower I was driving through to get to the cattery where I am going to board the kitties when I'm on my trip.

I love my job.

I love the people I meet.

I love the terrain, the weather, the sunlight.

I love that I can look out the window and see some variation of this every day...

I love that I'm happy.  Just happy.  Not "about" anything, just happy.  It's a terrific empowering feeling that transfers into everything.

I love that I am strong--both physically and emotionally.

I love that I've been able to explore my talents and work with amazingly talented people.  It inspires me and makes me want to do/be better.

I love that I have folks on my journey...folks who are cheering me on, helping me through, encouraging, loving and supporting me throughout all of this immense change and transition.

I love that I see a future here.  I love that I want to stay around for a good long time.  Make this my home.  Find a community and get to know and see everything.

The happy spot

You know that place...the one you go when you feel really good about yourself or your decision or just because you feel like it.  The happy spot.  The one where you can pause, look about you and say, "yep, I did the right thing and it feels really good."  For me that was always my spot on the couch with my knitting all around me, my glass of wine on the end table next to me and something nice and calming on the tv...or just music...or sometimes nothing.

Unfortunately I don't have a happy spot here at the apartment yet.  I like my chair--trust me when I say that it's a million times better than the floor--but my makeshift Ottoman (paper box with a fluffy pillow on top) leaves a lot to be desired and the "sprawl" factor just ain't happening.  I'd LOVE to have a big comfy bed to curl up in right now and read for a bit...but the air mattress is what I've got to sleep on and it doesn't invite "curling up."

Right now I'd really love a happy spot...the one where I could sit back and reflect on everything I've done this month...on how I've turned something really crummy into something positive...that's for me...that will allow me to grow and develop and learn to love and cherish myself.

But...

...

At least Pearl found her happy spot!

Happy long weekend everyone.  I'll be pulling yarn orders at work...and couldn't be happier about it!

Apartment

I can finally say that everything I shipped is in my apartment.  Of course everything that I brought in my car is here too.  I've lugged every single box up the stairs myself.  And I'm proud that I've done so...this move has been all about me!

For furniture I have a chair, a TV dinner tray, a tv console and a bookshelf (still to be built). I'm sleeping on an air mattress but the real bed and mattress should be delivered sometime next week.  I bought a dresser that will also be delivered next week.  The rest I will get as I can afford it or "make do" with cheap options until I can afford it.

It all feels very good, and all mine, and positive...and I can't wait to start working...because....yarn...all day!

Today's pic is from the road...some hotel room...you can see the kitties chilled out

New Mexico. Arizona. Nevada.

Yesterday I drove through some of the most beautiful parts of our country. Albuquerque to Las Vegas. So pretty. Majestic mountains, gorgeous colors, beautiful sky.  I felt the tender newly exposed parts of my heart peeking out and feeling ok.

Texas. New Mexico

Today I travelled to Albuquerque. No Valium for the kitties and they did much better.  I'd look over and see pearl looking out the window or at me and she was perfectly content.  Zora wanted out a couple of times, but she was good.

I really think I have the best kitties.

A couple of realizations:

We live in a beautiful country and folks need to get out and drive and see it.

This doing stuff for me is pretty empowering.

Seeing big blue sky has helped peel away some of the hard edges on my heart.  At first I was kind of scared it would be too emotional, but so far it feels good...freeing...dare I say happy?

Packing up...

Today I managed to get all my big boxes to the UPS store to ship out to Nevada.  There were 4 trips to the UPS store with 14 boxes total.

My legs hurt already...but at least I know I was using the right muscles to lift...so far my back feels fine.

But oh my...that's a lot of boxes.  I've started loading the car up with the dense book boxes.  Tomorrow I'll finish loading it up with everything to make sure that I don't have to ship anything else.  Fingers crossed...

I'll have pictures on my journey west...I just wanted to give you an update and let you know that progress is being made and tomorrow is my last day in Mississippi.

Happiness

My friend Stacey tells me that divorced women are happier in the end and men are financially better off...I can see that, I think.

It's been a month since the bomb dropped and I've managed to pick myself up, get a job, and get ready to move.  Next week, I'm packing what I can in my car, shipping what I can't and buying the rest when I get there...then I'll drive 2100 miles to my new home where I'll see this every day when I leave work:

I really didn't expect Reno to be so beautiful, but truly, I was stunned.  The mountains are gorgeous, and just a one hour drive away is north Lake Tahoe...and a prettier spot will be hard to find.

I had such a lovely time on my visit.  The folks at Jimmy Beans were beyond wonderful and nice and I can't wait to start working with them.

A new chapter where I'll get to shine...it's truly a wonderful thing.

(this isn't to say I'm not still sad, shocked, stunned, scared and all the other stuff, but I do see my way out).

Defining Moments

I think most people would agree that life is made up of moments...defining moments to be more exact...that completely change the trajectory of where we are going and what we are doing.  These moments are those that when we look back on them (hopefully at the ripe age of 90) that we see truly were momentous, of note, defining who we became later.

Getting married, finding our major, seeing the Eiffel Tower, having kids, (I assume having grandkids, retiring), moving to a new location, getting your first job.

All of these moments build character and require of the person that they dig deep and learn who they are and respond accordingly.  Our energies devoted to these things, though they are big and character building, are typically very positive.  We see them as "opportunities" not "tragedies" and usually we are happy to talk about them to our friends and family and (sometimes) inflate our role in making and urging these things to come about.

Sometimes our defining moments aren't positive, though.  I know that for me one of my big defining moments was when I was in high school and my boyfriend was severely injured in a car accident.  If I try, I can go back to that time and see and feel and hear and smell what was going on around me because getting the news was so big and completely changed the course of where I was planning to go with my life.

As I was waking up this morning I realized that what I've been thinking of as another "defining moment" (the divorce) is really not THE defining moment in all of this.  MY defining moment (and the use of MY is deliberate) is that moment when I decided to inquire about employment at Jimmy Beans Wool.  In deciding to face reality (i.e. I couldn't change his mind) I needed to live the life I want to live, and that involved starting to find employment in the industry where I want to work.

The details of "will I have enough money to live on" and "how will I get there" are just details.  Things to figure out and to do.  But they aren't the defining moment in all of this.  Realizing that the strength and power of ME was there and that I needed to tap into it is the moment defining who I am and who I will become on the other side of this.  It is why my friends are saying to me "you're so brave" and "you're doing so well"...

Don't get me wrong, there's still a lot of fear and pain and sadness going on and sometimes those emotions can almost overwhelm me.  And that's when I have to remind myself that I'm in the process of defining ME and that in doing so the ME that gets defined will truly be someone I can love and be happy with.

And that's really quite important in the grand scheme of things--loving and being happy with who you are.  Definition indeed!

---------

Pearl helped me get my yarn boxed up.

And so the packing begins

I've lived in this house for 13 years.  I raised my daughters here, was happily married.  I created a lot of art--needlepoint, cross stitch, quilts, knitting and crochet.  I've learned lessons, partied with friends, hung out and was quiet, spent days playing with the kitties, thoroughly enjoyed lazing on my PJ days, and ate lots of good food.

I also acquired a LOT of yarn.  I think learning to knit and weave and not having access to a good local yarn store where I could touch, feel, and look at yarn and think about how it would work in whatever craft I was seeking, I bought anything and everything that looked like it might make up into something interesting.  As I was going through my large stash this weekend I realized all the promise and belief I had in myself.  The things I was going to make and sell if only I had the time or energy to sit down and make or sell them.

I'm extremely happy that I'm going to be working in a large warehouse full of yarn.  So many people say "you'll want to bring all that yarn home."  But I don't think so.  I think that seeing it, touching it, feeling it, and knowing that other people are going to make wonderful beautiful things out of it will be exciting.

It's sad leaving and putting all these things away and knowing that when I walk out of the house at the end of August I won't be coming back.  I won't be driving by or seeing how things are kept up.  I won't know what kind of life the new people bring into this home.  I won't know if they'll love this old lady like we have.

So, I have to keep reminding myself that the new adventure I'm setting about is one that I want.  One that will be for me and will satisfy my creativity and energy.  I'll be able to learn the yarn industry and figure out how and if I fit in and if so what talents I bring to the table.  It's good and it's exciting...

These are the boxes that are going to consignment.  Hopefully they'll be shipping on their way to the NE today.