Just say it

So...here it goes...

My husband came home on Monday last week and told me he wanted to get a divorce.

There, see...it's as bad as that.  I'm trying to figure out how to accept this and move on, but there's a lot of things to uncover, both about what went wrong in our relationship, how I was so completely blind to it, and how I can figure out how to support myself in the midst of just quitting my job.

One of the things I'd learned in my 2 weeks of self-exploration after we'd separated in London and then I was home by myself was that my journey involves finding beauty in the world.  Art for me is about finding and amplifying that beauty and making our lives around us places that we like because they appeal to some sense of what is beautiful to us.

So, what looks like a giant pile of shit right now has something beautiful in it and I'm going to have to dig in and figure out what that is.

The gritty details if you're interested:

• he moved out of the house this weekend and I went to see our daughters while he did so
• I will be staying in the house for the time being...until I figure out what I'm going to do, where I'm going to work, and how I'm going to pay for everything.
• we are talking--it's weird but we are talking and I think positively
• when you get to the bottom of it there aren't a lot of assets to divide up so this shouldn't get messy

I am determined not to let negativity poison my journey that I started, so I'm refusing to succumb to the anger and fear.  I'm angry, don't get me wrong, and I'm hurt, don't get me wrong, and I'm just about as scared as I've ever been in my life, don't get me wrong...but I will not let it control my decisions or how quickly and the manner in which I process all of this and move forward.

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Ironically, I finished this blanket for the "new me" the weekend before the bomb dropped.  The pattern is Groovyghan and the yarn I used is Noro Silk Garden Sock.  I'm actually crocheting up another blanket from the leftovers of this project...I am on my way to work on it as soon as I post this.