Writer's Block

Writer's block is an interesting and perverse thing.  I have been happier over the past year than I think I've been in my entire life.  So happy and fulfilled...and absolutely unable to write anything about it.

Maybe I was worried that I would hex things.  Probably I was just enjoying being happy...

In a nutshell:
December 2015 Bill and I got engaged.  We were visiting the daughters for the holidays and he proposed during the Illuminations at Epcot.  Very romantic and perfect for beginning our life together.

March 2016 My brother passed away from a year long struggle with pancreatic cancer.

August 2016 Bill and I got married in what was one of the most fun celebrations of love that I've ever experienced...it was simple, but fun...and the gluten free cake was divine!

October 2016 I started working full-time on my weaving.  The path to this decision was painful, as so many paths to major life changes can be.  I struggled with "can I do this?" to "will Bill leave me if I do?" (ex hang-ups...what can one say)...so far, two weeks in, I'm very happy and truly hoping I can make a run of this thing because I really really really enjoy doing this all day.

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But, the thing that unhinged the writer's block for me was the election.  As I sat here yesterday in complete and profound sadness all I could think of were the words I needed to write.  The strength I needed to find to write the things I needed to write, and the fear, the real and utter fear, I felt at the thought of writing them.

But the words kept coming and coming and all day I felt like I was in a weird fog...a place where I needed to say the things and no one could hear me.

And they couldn't hear me, I knew, because I didn't write them.

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And then my daughter texted to see if I was ok.  To tell me that she cried all the way to work.  That her friends texted her to tell her that they love her.  That they needed hugs, virtual or real, and that they needed to know they weren't alone in the world, and I knew I couldn't remain silent any longer.

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This thing...this thing that scares me is admitting how utterly broken I am.  How as a victim of so many different types of sexual assault, I have to see a man in power who not only admits to such behaviors, but boasts about them. That people know about the things he did and still elected him...it breaks my heart in two.

I've spent the past two years in therapy to validate my feelings, to become whole again, to be able to stand up for myself when I needed to (recently and in a very scary and painful confrontation), and to wake up on Wednesday and see that all that work means nothing to the majority of Americans who voted for a man who embodies such horrific behaviors and ideas...it terrifies me.  To my core.

Today I'm raw though.  The child who was too young to understand, the teenager who was so frightened that the only defense she knew was to burst into tears...the woman who was so blinded by trust that she couldn't see what was happening until it was over.  All of these bits of me...every single one of them...is crying today.

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Because to discuss this fear in a real and meaningful way I need to say those things, to admit my brokeness, to let people know that people in my life, who I trusted, sexually abused me again and again and again and I never said anything to anyone because I "knew" no one would believe me, because I was ashamed, because I was scared.

You know what? I'm still scared.  I am no longer ashamed.  I know I didn't deserve to be treated in such an awful way.  I know that no one deserves to be treated that way.  And I strongly believe that all of us who have daughters, who love women, who want to change this rape culture...all of us need to speak up.  We need to bare our shame to others so that they, too, can fight back.  With words, with political action, with whatever it takes to make people hear and understand that this is real.  It hurts...and it's terrifying.

One Year Ago; 4 Months Ago; Joy and Happiness

So, one year ago tomorrow I will have been "officially" divorced for 1 year.  While the date will always be in my head (dates do that...they stay there), I don't feel sad or regret or hurt or anything really.  Just another day with a slightly significant meaning.  A measuring point if you will.  Last year:

• I was still very confused alone and scared
• I hadn't faced the worst of my demons
• I hadn't discovered, truly, what a wonderful person I am
• I was getting by day by day (sometimes moment by moment)
• I was just waking up to discover that I love life and that things are truly beautiful and wonderful.

This year:

• I feel strong and capable
• I feel very much a part of a group of people
• I have found love again
• I look forward to a future of joy and happiness.

I stop every now and then and think about the really big conversations that David and I had before we separated.  I kept pointing out that I didn't feel that we were embracing life, that we weren't happy.  That we didn't find joy in moments and didn't appreciate who we were individually as well as as a couple.

So the fact that I can see a future of joy and happiness, well, that's pretty wonderful and makes me so proud and content.  I appreciate who I am individually  I appreciate who Bill is individually.. I am learning to appreciate who Bill and I are as a couple (we're still very new together and that appreciation happens at funny times and moments...it's very special).

Tomorrow marks 4 months since we went on our first date.  That amazes me in so many ways.  I feel so complete in this relationship that I can hardly believe it's really only been 4 months--hasn't it been a lifetime?  And that makes me happy.  And then there's the moment of realizing that it's ONLY been 4 months and that means that there are so many more months to come.  And that makes me happy.

Joy and Happiness...those were the two things I wanted so much in my "past life."  I didn't realize they weren't attainable in those circumstances.  Too much was out of whack.  Too much had to be "righted" to make it happen.Too much had to change..

What I see in my current life is a level of stability I've never really experienced before.  I've worked very hard at naming my needs, of knowing what I want from life, and planning on how to get there. I'm very satisfied with my work.  I have a wonderful group of friends.  It's really amazing what I have accomplished this year.

Joy and Happiness are part of my life and will be.  It's as simple as that.  

Random thoughts on reading, knitting, watching tv, coloring, being sick

I'm funny when I get sick.  I live in denial until I can't deny it anymore.  Sunday I just felt tired--you know it was because Saturday was an intensely physical day at work (it was, but honestly no more than usual).  I took a nap on Sunday...I never take naps unless I'm sick or getting sick. Clue #1.  Monday I woke up with a very very sore throat.  I took a look at it in the mirror...it wasn't terribly swollen or red, no need to go to dr.  Folks at work had had a cold recently.  Probably nothing major. I was fighting it off.

Still I was super tired.  Went to grocery store and then came home and took a new allergy pill--because that's what the sore throat was about...allergies.  Then I took another nap and by bedtime admitted that I was getting sick.

I didn't got to work yesterday.  In fact, I didn't do much but sit on the couch and try to breathe.  Being sick sucks big-time.  (and yes I took another nap yesterday).

I didn't go to work today, but I am feeling MUCH better...hopefully the last of this little bug is gone and Bill won't catch it

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I decided to put away the book I wasn't enjoying overly much and start a new one by an author who I know I love...and I love it.  It's so wonderful and good and it feels really right to be reading.

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Apparently when I'm sick I want to start projects.  In the process of finding room for all of Bill's things in this tiny apartment I discovered the project bag with my mom's Mother's Day gift that wasn't and never will be finished.  I hated knitting with the yarn, though I love the yarn, but I couldn't bear to rip it out at the time.  I ripped it out yesterday.  I started crocheting with it.  It's lovely crocheted.  Lighter than air.  soft and so beautiful.  I'm so glad I ripped that out.

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Fraternal socks are so cool.  I'm almost finished with my white/grey pair and went through all of my sock scraps and pulled out the ones that have enough weight to make more fraternal pairs.  Deciding on the patterns will be the toughest part.  Maybe.

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I've been watching TV with Bill.  Just watching.  Not knitting, not playing games and kind of paying attention to the TV.  Actually watching shows and enjoying just hanging out.  I know you'll probably find this weird,but I don't think I've ever done that before.  Just sat and watched and enjoyed being entertained.

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Last year before the bomb dropped I got really into "adult coloring books."   The only one I had at the time was the Secret Garden and it was just divine.  I think I've shared a couple of finished projects.

Since then adult coloring has taken on a pretty big place in the world.  I see ads on Facebook about the serenity gained when coloring.  I love it because of that very reason.  It calms by brain and body and allows me to see little bits of things and how they fill into the big whole. Plus I get to finish something really pretty in the end.

I got the Enchanted Forest (same artist as Secret Garden) in the mail last week. I want to color them all right now.  But of course I picked out the most most complicated (2 dragons surrounded by a gated entrance) which is 8 pages total coloring...right before I got sick.  It's a bit daunting to me today.  But I think this lovely offers some sollace...and I'll lovely working on another one like her, or maybe the Christmas trees that just came it...that could be fun too...

Slowly coming back together

The past couple of months has seen me really scattered.  I'm blowing with the wind, doing what I want, loving life...loving...just being happy.

Work is still going well, Bill is going great.  The kitties are happy. I'm happy.

What more can be said.

But I am starting to slowly settle.  I feel the pieces of me coming back together and getting in the right places.  I feel confident and comfortable.

Happy.

I've even started reading a book--only a couple of chapters so far and I decided I didn't like it so I'm going to move on because I've learned to trust my instincts on things.

And I've also needed a bit of a knitting challenge...don't get me wrong, garter stitch is amazing, but something to dig my teeth into, knit and think and count and look at the beauty of as it comes together.  Now THAT is pretty cool...

First sock of a fraternal pair (I'm using the same pattern, but different colors of yarn):

The color is more true in the last picture though it is a bit washed out by the flash.

Pattern: Crocus Vernus Socks from Knitter's Curiosity Cabinet.  (I've decided I'm knitting my way through all of Hammerstien's books).

Hard at work

I went to therapy today.  I've been going to therapy almost every week for the past year and a few months.  Since David left.  Since I discovered that finding myself and becoming strong were really important things for the remainder of my life.

I've worked very hard at it...this self-discovery.  This learning to take care of myself business.  This...how do I say it...establishing and enforcing my boundaries.

I slip every now and then.  Just last week (on Monday) I had a really rough day.  A day where I faced lots of fears.  Wondering what the heck I'm doing, what have I been doing, what business do I have doing the things that I am doing.

Was I crazy to move all the way to Nevada?  What prompted that?  (other than the obvious).

Why did I leave a field of work that I knew and was comfortable with?

Why did I go so far away from my known support network of family and friends?

Why did I decide to start dating when things were going really well for "just me"?

What the heck was I doing deciding to be in a committed relationship with another person?

How on earth was I going to recover if/when things went south with any of these decisions I'd made?

So, I cried, and I panicked (a lot actually) and I thought and I faced those fears and I realized a few things.

1.  Every decision that I've made has been made for a reason and I'm following through (maybe muddling through) to the best of my ability.
2.  Facing the fears for what they are (fears, nothing more) is strengthening.
3.  And my guy is a really wonderful guy...and that's a really wonderful thing to have.

I eventually calmed down last week.  I managed to gain some stability though I felt rather weak and fragile for a few days.  But I knew, deep in my soul, this soul that has been working hard to get healthy, that I'm in a good place, just where I need to be, and that everything will work out as it should.

Because, when you have those fears, those panic moments.  The thing you do is feel it, give it its head, then say "what's the worst that can happen" and "how will I deal with the worst when it happens"...

All the work that I've done this year has led me to this moment.  This moment when I could face the awful and realize that if it did happen (whatever the awful might be) I'll feel sad, I'll be hurt, but I'll get up and move on because I know how.

How's that for empowerment?

Genius

One of the many benefits of working for a yarn store is being in the midst of genius.  I work very closely with one of those geniuses on a daily basis--Rachel Unraveled.

I just finished the Ripple Effect Shawl and I have to tell you that the design, the pattern, everything about it is pure genius.  I started in 9/21 and realized pretty quickly that I was reading the pattern wrong, so I started over...then couldn't stop until I was finished knitting it.  I'm going to go block it here in a few minutes.  It's gorgeous, the yarn I chose was perfect.  I loved the knitting of it, and I highly recommend you go buy this pattern and some  yarn and make yourself happy  basking in the pure genius of it all.

Grammar Lessons

So, this morning as I was slowly waking up and making myself cogent enough to go to work...I had a thought...a thought about grammar and sentence construction and how something as simple as a conjunction and a little bit of punctuation can completely change the meaning of...well...everything.

Back in grad school we called this rhetorical grammar.  I thought it was an amazingly powerful thing and taught it to all of my freshmen too...because we really should think about the power of our words and how we construct them and what meanings they convey to others.

So, the profound thought went like this:

The old me felt that "I am special because someone loves me."
The new me feels that "I am special; therefore, someone loves me."

Because.  Therefore.  Two simple words, to seemingly simple sentences, but oh, the differences that they make in not only the meaning but how I feel about my life and relationships.

So, let's discuss because first.  Because is an important word. It conveys a causal relationship, usually the latter bringing about the former.  Not: "I am special"...but I am special because something happens to make me special.  In my former way of thinking I could only be special because someone loved me.  The syntax of that simple sentence (and I'm using that in the literal, grammatical way: simple versus compound) conveys that one can't exist without the other.  The word because in this example is a subordinating conjunction that introduces the clause "someone loves me."  The subordinating function of the word creates an idea that the main sentence can't exist without the clause. While we may be tempted to think of the "because someone loves me" part of the original sentence to be less important (or subordinate) to the meaning, it actually is more important to the meaning of the sentence because it defines exactly how I become special--only in the presence of someone who loves me.

Now, let's move on to therefore.  Therefore is one of my favorite conjunctions.  Again, it conveys motion, causal relationships, but it is different because it is a coordinating conjunction.  Its function in a sentence (the way I've used it, Therefore has multiple meanings and grammatical abilities) is to coordinate.  To make evident that both pieces of the sentence have equal importance.  In this case I'm making a compound sentence but the use of the semi-colon creates a balance, but it also creates a connection.  I could have written.  "I am special.  Therefore, someone loves me." but that would have had a different implication.  The "I am special" part is solitary--standing along.  It means something all by itself because it's contained within its neat grammatical package.  Put that semi-colon in there, though, and the two sentences become merged into one.  Their meaning becomes blended.  They must exist together as a single idea...being special and being loved become harmonious pieces to a whole thought and way of thinking.

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I hope I didn't boggle your mind with my grammar lesson.  It's been very important for me to think through this.  To put into words and the rhetoric of my former and current lives.  To make sense of, though language, something that has been gnawing at my brain for a long time--this past year...this summer in particular.

When I was married I existed through my husband.  He was the defining person of my life and the way I thought and thought about myself.  If he believed something should happen, then I made sure that it happened.  It didn't matter if I liked it or wanted it...it happened because the central driving force of our relationship determined it should be that way.

I was special, until I wasn't.  And that was a hard lesson to work though.  How could I become special ever again? How could I become defined as someone worthy when the one person who defined my specialness no longer thought I was special?  How did I learn to exist beyond what I had been?  How did I become special?

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This lesson has been a hard one to learn.  To understand that I'm special because I am.  And in realizing my worth and power I can open myself up to truly being loved and appreciated.  As hard as it has been to learn, and as hard as it is some days to remember, it is the driving force of my life right now.  It's the reason I could date again.  It's the reason I could pick myself up and redefine who I am and what I do.  It's the reason, plain and simple, that I am happy.

I'm special.

Simple sentence.  Powerful discovery.