I can't seem to keep up these days!

I'm about to head out on my next big adventure.  Cross country drive to Texas to see my family as well as to pick up some things that I left at Mom's last summer.  I'm driving out with the girls and back with a childhood friend.  So different than my experience last year which was just me.

Me and only me.

My life has gotten to be one big friendly adventure lately.  Friends at work.  Friends to hang out with.  A "getting out there" friend who keeps me busy most nights and weekends.  Friends to text.  Friends to talk to on the phone.

I feel bad for neglecting my virtual friends.  I love you guys...you've been with me through thick and thin this year and rooted me on and held me up and all the other stuff that I've needed this year.

Thank you.

The things I want to tell you  but just haven't had time:
1.  St. Petersburg was truly an amazing city.  In so many ways.  It was beautiful, the people were friendly and so warm, the weather was gorgeous, the history was shocking and educational...and so so much more.  The blog post I want to write next about SP was how colorful it was.  One day I'll get it out.
2.  I thought I was happy before I started dating.  And truthfully I was happy.  But I'm so much more happy...I didn't think it was possible.  Life is indeed good.
3.  The ups and downs of recovery have been real...and sometimes real hard.  This week I had a therapy session that was "intense."  Things were said and admitted that needed to be said and admitted, but it left me washed up.  Drained.  And off kilter.  Yesterday was a rough day, but I had a good cry and I felt better and today was an awesome day.
4.  I've been at JBW for almost a year now and I still love my job and the people that I work with and the customers and all the other things that go along with working in a large on-line retail yarn store.  I love being the inventory goddess...and I love being in a job where I can laugh and tease and thoroughly enjoy myself every day.  it's truly a gift and a blessing.  I know this because I have lived the opposite of that and to love your work is something spectacular.
5.  I'm not knitting or crocheting like I want to be...something's going to have to give, but choosing what to give is so very very hard :)

And finally the thing that I'm going to tell you about my next adventure.  On Sunday the girls and I are driving to Las Vegas and then the next day we're going to the Grand Canyon and then the next day we're going to Sedona and then the next day we're driving to Amarillo and the next day we're going to go see the Palo Duro Canyon and drive to my mother's.  We're going to stay there a couple of days and hopefully spend some time with my brothers and my mother.  I want to go through the things I left with her and load up my car to bring the things home...mail out what can be mailed.  Send stuff to the girls.

Then a childhood friend is meeting me and we are driving to Amarillo, Flagstaff and Reno.  We'll spend the day in Reno/Tahoe and then she goes home and my real life (which is amazing) starts back up again.

Oh, and one other thing I haven't been able to tell you because I've been so busy getting out there:  I've organized the studio.  I'm ready to weave again.  I have projects lined up (and Kathy since you like bags, keep your eyes peeled!).  That's what's happening when my real life resumes in 2 weeks.

For now I'll leave you with a picture of Pearl "hiding" in the paper at the back of the loom.

The language of letting go

The book of daily meditations I've been reading for the past year is called The Language of Letting Go. It's a codependent's guide to learning to live life, love, accept the uncontrollable and become happy.  Every morning (or most mornings since I'm only in "November" and did start reading it 1 year ago) I read the daily thought and try to think about how it applies to my life and what I can do to focus on that one thing that day.

It's been so amazingly helpful in so many ways:
1.  I know that I can really only focus on improving myself one little bit at a time
2.  I know that it's ok to only focus on improving myself one little bit at a time
3.  Some things take lots of practice and lots of reminders and lots of "getting back to it"...
4.  Being able to see the beauty in the world takes a complete willingness to let go of control...of the NEED to control...and just let me tell you that that is incredibly frightening
5.  Facing my past is necessary for healing and forgiveness...but I don't have to face all days at once.
6.  I'm going to have some days that are better than others...some setbacks if you will
7.  Did I mention that letting go of the need to control, because it's central to getting all the rest of this done.

And as I begin to explore the possibility of a new relationship (yes, it's to that...apparently I just "got out there") I can see how much FUN it is to just BE in the relationship.  I'm laughing and smiling and being silly...and it's amazing.  I've never had this kind of fun before.  It was always so serious, so goal driven, so "purposeful."

I'm still incredibly skittish.  I still have moments when breathing is really difficult.  I have lots of moments when I'm questioning whether what I'm experiencing is really real or just something I want it to be because I want it to be.

Letting go of control.  Letting go of the past.  Letting go of so many things...hatred, fear, barricades.   It is the kind of empowerment that control can never have...control is based on fear and the "lack of" is always out there and threatening.  The letting go creates the opportunity for beauty and love to flourish.

(that platform that I jumped off of last year got just another little higher and a bunch more frightening, but I'm taking a deep breath and seeing just how much stronger my wings are...because let me tell you that the view from up here is definitely breathtaking!)

This is me last year...just a couple of days after David left.  I was on my way to go see the girls and had just gotten my hair done.  Somehow I still managed to smile for my selfie.  You can't see my red eyes behind those cool glasses, but when I look at this picture I see such a lost girl.  One who has no idea what she's about to do but who's ready to do it.  One who somehow, despite all the pain and fear, trusted herself and her higher power to get the work done to make what seemed impossible happen.

And here I am today.  Right this minute as I type this entry, not touched up or filtered.  The me today...she's gorgeous, confident and proud.  She's also scared, skittish and yet still ready to see what other beautiful and amazing things she can experience.

Letting go did not mean losing anything.  I let go and everything that was special and important in my life flourished, most importantly myself.   And the things that I was holding onto that were holding me down.  I don't miss them.  Not one teeny weeny bit.

Amazing

Amazing is light, brightness, bigness, all things beautiful.  Amazing is good, wonderful, loving.  Amazing is powerful.  Amazing is going beyond the normal.  Amazing is being more than what you (or others) thought possible.  Amazing is more than A+.

I couldn't even begin to tell you the number of times people have used that word to describe me in the past year.  Amazing.

The simple fact that someone would use that word to describe me is, in itself, pretty amazing.  It makes me feel...well...amazing.  Strong, capable, unique...and as if I've done something amazing.

It's a wonderful feeling.  Something that makes me very very happy.

Friends have said it, family members have said it...my virtual friends have said it (thanks y'all!)

To hear it from the lips of my "getting out there friend"...well "amazing" doesn't even begin to describe how it made me feel.

I think I've mentioned this before...

...when I play, I play hard.  

I throw myself into the play and have a grand old time.  I laugh and giggle and tell silly jokes.  I crack myself up and laugh some more (because really I GET my sense of humor like no one else).

I abandon myself to the moment.  It's pure joy to play.

Which is why I like to play, and try to play, as much as I possibly can.

Games are fun, talking with people is fun, cracking jokes, being sarcastic...doing things with yarn...it's all fun.  Play.  Joyful abandon.

And I've been playing hard.  

And I'm really unbelievably tired.  

And yet, I have a gorgeous shawl on the needles that I've neglected for "getting out there" play...and tonight that's what I want to do (because my "getting out there" friend is out of town for the weekend).  Sleep...it's not play.  Sleep interferes with play.  One cannot play and sleep at the same time.

So my brain says, "it's no bother, you can sleep in a couple of days.  Today you must play."

It's really bad, this urge to play, to abandon myself to the moment.  To feel all the joy.  I want it all and I want it all right now.

Sleep will definitely come later.